Re: Paul Bernardo Admits to Another 10 Rapes

In article <1141006988.678455.125350@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, Poe
<ncw@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:

I think young women might feel see a spark of humanity in a guy, or
that his "passion" (OK, it is really VIOLENCE, but in low light after
some beers it looks like deep love and passion) could be tapped into to
make him into something more human. Maybe we feel we see the softer
side of the guy, yadda yadda yadda. I think as we get older we realize
that is all bull***, and we either never develop a pattern like some
women do, or some women DO develop a pattern because they recognize it
as some sort of freaky comfort zone.

I also think your family plays into it - if you watched your mom get
beat up all the time you might think it is normal to be abused. In my
case my mom was not beat up but my dad was wicked with regard to
affairs that everyone knew about.

Jeez, Poe! I am *SO* glad that you made it out alive!! Every now and
then, I look back and think how close I came and how many women never
get second chances at happiness!! We're a few othe lucky ones . . .

With mine, he fooled me. I know that sounds like a cop-out (especially
since he didn't fool anyone else), but it's true. Everyone else saw the
bad crap, but since *I* never saw it personally, I didn't believe them,
thought they were jealous, etc. Too, my mom & I have always had a
strange relationship so since she was against him, it just made me want
him *more*. He "learned" Shakespeare to impress me (tho, I only found
out about it later). He brought me flowers, opened the car doors, you
name it, he did it.

Once we got married, the good guy left and some freaking evil twin took
over. He was still nice in public, but behind closed doors . . .
sodomy. beatings, verbal abuse (ugly stupid, whore, you name it - he
even made up *** I had never heard before - let's just say that the
"C" word was lightweight compared). After a while, he wasn't even nice
in public - I'd get drinks thrown in my face, my ass slapped so hard I
couldn't sit, he'd tell everyone about our sex life (including my
parents), and one time, raped me in the middle of a party. He was scary
by then, and no one stood up to him, least of all me.

I have to mention here, that in HS I was always getting into fights -
I'd been bullied for so long as a kid (esp elementary school), that I
eventually fought back (in middle school) and used to beat up bullies
to protect the little guy. By the time I was 15, I was a black belt in
Karate, did Thai kickboxing, any martial art, you name it (practically
- never liked Karate and soon quit). So looking back, I have no idea
why I never hauled off and fought back until I did. I always felt
strongly about defending others and I don't think it ever occured to me
to defend *myself*. To this day, I don't know why . . .

Anyway, as time went on, the abuse got worse and worse. Until the day
he made the incest comment - which made me realize that it wasn't just
*my* life anymore. I may not have really given a *** about whether *I*
lived or died, but I sure as hell cared about my baby.

That was the worst of it, though. No way was I leaving. He tried to
kill me three times (that I know of - there were rumors of him trying
to hire someone, but it never went anywhere). Once poison, once running
me down in a car (thank goodness for some alert bystander) and once by
actually beating me in the head and face with a piece of radiator. Too,
bear in mind that I was *pregnant* at the time.

Each case was dismissed as an accident (yeah, he *told* six people he
was going to kill me and then I had been posioned (stomach pumped),
nearly run over, and actually assaulted (I never really heard what
excuse he had for that one).

In the normal world, no one can try to kill someone three times and get
away with it. But this was Germany, it was right after we had began
Operation Desert Storm and my ex was in the AF. His First Shirt
(supervisor) was a *REAL* prick. He firmly believed that it was my
leaving him that drove him crazy. Nothing I could say would change his
mind. I told him about the comments about incest, the beatings (sat in
his office with two black eyes, thank-you-very-much), and went into
excruciating detail about the sodomy (twice a night until I had to be
rushed to the hosp for non-stop bleeding). He had the balls to sit
there and tell me it was *my* fault for not being a good enough
militarey wife. That I needed to be understanding and give him another
chance. Feelilng unsure (for ever such a short time), I talked to my
ex's psychiatrist and he told me: Get the *** out of the country. Buy
a gun. Get a big dog. He wants to kill you and the AF won't let me
medicate him (he was being court martialed for being AWOL and just
overall going batty, assaulting an officer, etc - but it was during
Desert Storm and they needed everyone on duty - meds would have kept
him off duty).

That moved me. I found an apartment (while waiting for authority to
leave the country without him) and he folllowed me there. He'd break in
and sit on the toilet while I took a shower. I'd open the curtain and
we'd just stare at each other. He was making a point - he could get to
me whatever I did. Whereever I went. I wasn't safe anywhere. When I
apprached the FS about the break-in he said: You're his wife, I can't
keep him away from you. Two days later, I' m poisoned. Six days later,
I'm almost hit by my ex in a car. You get the picture. Each time, that
fucking FS would blame me, my imagination, or just excuse him in some
lame way. I took him the psych's report stating that my ex was a danger
to me, himself and those around him and got the answer: I don't believe
in psych bull*** and besides, we need him during Desert Storm. I
firmly believe that if I had have stayed, I'd be dead now.

My family life was always bvery stable - no abuse, no cheating,
nothing. I grew up with the proverbial Cleaver family. I think mainly
it was my being rebellious and just not believing what others said.
Though looking back now, there were signs that I should have caught.
One time, a guy asked me to dance at a club and two days later was
found beatne nearly to death. My ex told himm that he would get him
later and make him *pay*. And I think he did. He'd also threaten my
male friends - I chalked it up to trying to be macho in front of me -
one of my friends he tackled during touch football and broke his leg
and three ribs. *Touch* football. I wrote that off as an accident.

A year after we broke up, his siter came to me (the only family
memebver of his that would still talk to me) and told me that he had
molested her for two year when she was 8. I guess, it's also important
that I was molested by a family friend when I was 9 - don't know if tht
matters?? I never told anyone . . .

Other "interesting": things about my ex:

? His mother was a true psycho. She reveled in making her 24 yo son
cry over missing family events, not hugging her, putting me first (so
to speak), etc. I know that sounds weird - she would just scream at him
and tell him how worthless he was, etc. Until he'd just burst into
tears.

? Friend of his told me later that he had shot a dog for no apparent
reason. The dog lived, but not for lack of my ex trying. His own family
pet was *terrified* of him. He'd keep a shovel in the back of his car
for beating dogs after they'd been hit. At the time, he told kme that
he thought it was putting them out of their misery (I'd refuse and take
them to the vet). But I heard reports that he enjoyed it too much to be
just being merciful.

? There were rumors of his being molested by a family member - don't
know who - never found out. I do know that his mother had no respect
for women and taught her son (my ex) that women were garbage and
diposable.

Interesting note: The FS above was later court martialed and sent to Ft
Leavenworth for molesting his own daughters (ages 5 & 9). No wonder the
*** my ex was doing was perfectly fine with him.

Sorry for being so wordy . . . but ya'll asked!! ( :

--
MacGirl

"So for you this is just a good time, but for me this is what I call "life"
City Life "What Would You Do?"
.