Re: Stimpy, what were you thinking?

Jim L. Fixitt <jlfixitt@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
On Sun, 23 Apr 2006 02:05:16 +0000, BDFH wrote:

"The $dingbat application is having performance problems - what is wrong
with the database?".

Tell me about it, only s/database/firewall/g and s/is wrong/have you done/


"The website is down: what have you done to the firewall?"

"Our VPN is down, what have you done to the firewall?"

"My coffee is cold, what have you done to the firewall?"

"My wife won't make love to me like she used to, what have you done to the
firewall?"

"I've picked up this rather nasty rash, what have you done to the
firewall?"

"My wife has left me, my children have disowned me, my doctor tells me I
have only 6 months to live, what have you done to the firewall?" (I made
that one up)


Naturally, I'm in the habit of messing around with the firewall when it is
working perfectly happily. </sarcasm>


For best effect, ask these questions at 16:30 when the problem's been
going on all day, and demand I spend however long it takes working on them
only to demonstrate that the problem is completely outside of my control.
Once I've made that demonstration, show open disbelief. There's nothing I
like better than staying late at work trying to solve your problem only to
have it all thrown back in my face when you don't like the answer (mainly
because the answer, 99% of the time, *isn't* "Oops, my fault, sorry about
that").

You two are me.

Q: "I can't get to $website. Fix it!", generally from someone Very Senior,
to me.
A: "I run the mail filters. Website problems have to do with the web proxy;
I'll forward this to Phil."

Q: "I can't send mail to $relative. Fix It!", generally from someone Very
Senior.
A: "I don't filter outbound mail. Please send me a copy of the rejection
notice, and I'll try to find why $relative's ISP is rejecting your
mail."

Q: "I can't get personal, non-ork-related mail from $relative2. Fix it!"
A1:"$relative2 is in a spammy IP block, and we don't accept mail from that
IP space. We won't whitelist that sender, since it's personal. No."
A2:"$relative2 has this bad habit of sending you pinkbits images. No."
A3:"$relative2 has this bad habit of sending you chain letters. No"
A4:"$relative2 has this bad habit of sending you huge WMV/MPEG/AVI files.
No."
A5:"$relative2 keeps sending you ads for things she's selling. No."
and so on, ad nauseam.

Q: "I'm not getting mail from $(contractor|vendor)! Fix it! Now! It's
VERY, VERY IMPORTANT! FIX IT OR I'll have to talk with the Director
and He'll Be Very Angry And You'll Be Fired!" (this one happened
last Thursday, at 16:20; I get off at 16:30)
A: "I just got off the phone with the troop on the other end of the
wire, and he fat-fingered your address in different ways multiple
times. Now he has it right. I just saw it delivered to you."

Q: "I'm STILL not getting mail from $(contractor|vendor)! Fix it! Now!
It's VERY, VERY IMPORTANT! FIX IT OR I'll have to talk with the
Director and He'll Be Very Angry And You'll Be Fired!" (this one
happened last Thursday, at 16:27; I get off at 16:30)
A: "The Lotus Notes Guy tells me that you've got a personal rule in your
mailbox that is causing all mail from $(contractor|vendor) to be
sent to your trash folder. You might want to look there."

Q: "I've just deleted all the mail in my trash folder, including some
mail from $(contractor|vendor). It's VERY, VERY IMPORTANT! GET IT
BACK, or else I'll have to talk with the Director and He'll Be Very
Angry And You'll Be Fired!" (this one happened last Thursday, at
16:29; I get off at 16:30)
A: "The Lotus Notes Guy tells me that When You Delete Your Trash, It's
GONE. You might want to get a more definitive answer from him, since
it's _HIS_ area of responsibility and not mine. You can reach him at
$PHONE_NUMBER"

--
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.
.

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