OT employee handbook (follow these instructions and you will keep you job for lifetime LOL)

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn
to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size
people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation, and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT
.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: OT employee handbook (follow these instructions and you will keep you job for lifetime LOL)
    ... and therefore you do not need a raise. ... Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. ... door will open and a picture will be taken. ... Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to ...
    (alt.support.stop-smoking)
  • Re: OT: 2006/2007 Company Policy
    ... bsptss wrote: ... If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, ... We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch ... and a picture will be taken. ...
    (sci.med.transcription)
  • OT: 2006/2007 Company Policy
    ... If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, ... We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch ... Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. ... and a picture will be taken. ...
    (sci.med.transcription)
  • Re: I had the worst day in my life
    ... my managers are that supportive. ... You will strictly follow the company dress code or you will be unable ... a current employee to report wrongful termination. ... You are offered a company locker but the company reserves the right to ...
    (rec.games.computer.ultima.dragons)
  • Company belt-tightening
    ... Didn't think policy could become more draconian...but that was wrong. ... Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. ... and a picture will be taken. ... Lunch Break: ...
    (rec.motorcycles)