Re: How do you support your favorite serial quitter? (Long; duh...)

When I came here there was a lady who went back and forth with her quit a bunch of times. She, in fact, was the person who directed me to AS3 from another group. What an inspiration! Everytime I started over, I thought of her. She now has a year or three more than I do and she couldn't possibly know how inspiring it was for me to see her try again and again. She gave me hope.

I remember that when someone else is in here slipping and sliding. I know it took a lot a lot a lot for me to quit, so I extend grace and mercy when I can. And share what worked for me, and hope someone wants to quit bad enough to "make it work".

If I start getting down about their slip, or judgemental, it's about me and not them. I've found that others rarely do things I want them to on my timetable. When I'm feeling like that I figure I should step back for a while because I have lost my focus and my objectivity.

With hope and heart,
Kathleen


"Jef." <jefo@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message news:b9udnXx8YYhlGS7anZ2dnUVZ_tWtnZ2d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Apologies up front to anybody who may feel picked on, singled out, or similarly held up for public scorn.
(And to anyone who actually thinks that's my intent-- *** you, you idiot. Get a hobby...) That's not what this is about. It's being written out of a very real sense of frustration. It's not so much about *your* difficulties (which are, godnose, real and valid and painful) as it is about *our* witnessing them and responding to them. This latter business is *also* real and valid and painful.

That said, I'll reiterate the original question-- and it's a real question, spurred by the events of recent days.
How do you do it? How do you best support someone who tries and tries and tries and tries-- but doesn't really ever seem to get anywhere? What's the best way for you to cope with repeatedly seeing someone else's inability to get their act together?

Do you just continue to offer the same, pat encouragement?
Do you ask, in frustration: "What's wrong with you? How come you haven't managed to do this after X weeks/months/years? Why do you keep on dropping the ball?"
Do you say nothing, figuring he/she is just doomed (rather like the feeling I got from every doctor I ever saw when I smoked)...? And, if everyone said nothing, wouldn't that leave the serial quitter feeling completely abandoned or ignored...?

I'm not a 12-stepper, but I saw some of that rather classic language used in reference to supporting serial quitters, here.
I'm wondering if there is, somewhere within those various 12 step programs, a point at which the gloves truly come off...?

By that I mean: Is there a level of repeated inability to "get with the program" that spurs people who subscribe to this system to eventually get tougher on the others, or is the prescribed regimen pretty much: "There, there... It's all right. Just keep stumbling and fumbling and blowing it, over and over and over and over again. You'll get it right, eventually...."

Is someone welcomed without reservation into an AA meeting if they, say, reek of booze, and stagger in every Wednesday in the very same condition? How about the addict who shows up at every Friday's NA meeting on the nod, scratching himself, with blown-out pupils and fresh bloodspots on his shirtsleeve? Does nobody take them to task? Is there actually a "Give Up" point in the established, collective framework for support? I'm actually serious, with this. This isn't asked for shock value, or to rub anyone's nose in anything. What's the right thing to do, and at what point do you diverge from polite, cliché-ridden lip service and ask them what they're doing, and why they're so consistently wide of the mark? How is it handled in those communities?

I'm well aware (thank you very much...) that *I'm* only a short distance from relapse if I allow myself the insane luxury of junkie thinking. I don't take my quit for granted, nor do I think that merely because I've been fortunate enough (notice I didn't say "lucky"? ) to last more than eight years, that I've got it all sewed up. Far from it. I have managed, somehow, to remain strong, and committed to this process. (Yay, me...) However, it'd only take a few minutes of self-pity, despair, weakness, arrogance, drunken rationalization or angry "what-the-fuckitude" to undo a lot of hard work and a long stretch of relatively healthy living. I'm not about to lose sight of that. (Knocks on wooden desktop, subscribing to all the old superstitious bull***...)

This isn't a contest-- except between ourselves and the power of our addiction-- and God help any stupid sonofabitch who delights in some perverse schadenfreude as they watch others fall down. We've all seen the handful of people who show up over and over, announcing that this time is the one; this time is for real-- and this time just never seems to "take", and they're back again after a week or a month or whatever interval allows them to think that they're somehow better prepared. It's ineffably sad-- and more so when compared to the steady progress we witness from so many others.

It's so **very** hard to watch someone fall down, again and again and again, and NOT want to just shake the hell out of them when you try to prop them up once more. Hug 'em, and then shake 'em-- or vice-versa. I'm in that "bite your tongue" camp, I guess, where you really don't want to be mean, but you just can't for the life of you figure out why the person screws it up over and over again. What's different about this one than... say, the 37 attempts that preceded it? Is it really a valid attempt if it lasts just 3 days and is followed by the same old crapperoo rationalizations?

Is "There, there; just keep trying..." the best reaction to someone who displays such consistently poor coping/planning skills? Is it better to be frank, and ask the hard questions, or do you avoid any mention of *anything* that smacks in the least of confrontation? Maybe being blunt will offend them or anger them or shame them, somehow? But then, does pretending that doing nothing differently will eventually create a different, better, more productive outcome for them? Is *that* really being of genuine service to someone?

Are you pretty sure about your response to all of this?

Then ask yourself: Would your response be any different if the person in question lived in your home?
Hmmm... Would you offer the exact same counsel to your mother, father, sister, brother, husband, wife or child? Does the fact that the person in question is a relative stranger on an internet newsgroup make a difference?

Whatever it takes, everyone here ought to succeed. It's hard work, but the odds show that it IS absolutely possible-- and I wish every single person who stumbles in here the same strength and success.

Well, that's out of my system for the moment. Time for dinner.
No smoking.


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