Re: 25years of Triggers

My Dearest Stephanie,

You do have a way with words! "The hole where the cigarette used to be." That is exactly what it feels like!

And yes, how refreshing to just cast aside the bonds of propriety and cut loose with what we really feel way down deep inside the most unlovely part of ourselves! I actually was feeling a bit that way myself today, after a string of sleepless, up-at-2AM-playing-Sudoko-online, hoping like hell that I can fall asleep for at least a *couple* of hours before having to get up at 5AM kind of nights, followed by a supposed-to-get-out-early-on-Friday but there's always ONE STINKING CLIENT who calls just as you're ready to walk out the door and you're the only one left in your department and the receptionist is new and hasn't learnt to lie for you yet so she puts the call through even though the office has been "officially" closed for 2 hours and you have to kiss his ass because he's one of your biggest accounts and would love to tell him to shove off but instead you end up staying past your quitting time seething and wanting to SMOKE at him. Wallowing in self-pity today, God help me, if someone had invited me to smoke today I don't know if I'd have found the strength to say no.

There, I've had my rant, and if I were any good at ranting there'd have been at least a couple more words beginning with F but I'm just not very /good/ at that kind of thing so there we are. *sigh*

Ah yes, Doing vs. Being - I thought you must have covered that in Recovery 101, but that may have been the day you cut class. :-) We are Human Beings, dear, not Human Doings - and you do very well at Just Being Stephanie. By coming here and sharing yourself with all of us, you are definitely becoming the Queen "Bee"ing; please continue to be so, even if it feels awkward.

Love & Hugs,

Erin

Stephanie wrote:
My Favoritestest Party Planner,

I know
I know
I know
I know
I know

You know what else? I was thinking that we should institute something
for the subject line of posts that instead of "OT" could be "unPC" if,
for example, we should ever write anything that resembles ... ahem
(throat clearing):

"I WANT TO FUCKING SMOKE EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG FOR ME TO
STILL BE FEELING THIS WAY AND I KNOW I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ZEN-Y AND
KARMIC-ALLY BALANCED AND SOULFUL AND ALL THAT HAPPY HORSE*** BUT MOST
OF THE TIME I WOULD GIVE ONE OF THE TWO KIDS (either one, you can
choose) FOR SIMPLY A DRAG !!!!!!!"

I think the "unPC" designation could warn off those who might be put
off by such a display, don't you think? Not that, of course, I'd ever
indulge in such a display, I'm just thinking of others who might find
it useful to have around ... if, say, the phrase 'want to smoke' feels
the most natural to write ...

*********

I was also thinking .... (a dangerous trend) .... about the fact that I
don't miss the cigarette ... I just don't like the hole left where the
cigarette used to go. The hole is what is so wierd, its contours so
sharp and obvious to me.

Also, I am the Queen of Doing. This quitting thing is requiring a
shift to getting at ease with Being. I suck at Being. I can Do enough
for a small army. Can't Be worth a damn.

I've also found, to the extent that this IS about "Doing" - I can't do
anything the old way (sit with cigar smoking ol' Dad or whatever). I
have to do everything differently (take a walk with Dad).

It isn't breaking a habit it is replacing it.

*********

Knowing all of the foregoing means I should never have those hair
pulling moments when I am packing the bags readying one or both
children for give-away, right? (sigh)

Happy end-of-dentist-day!
love xoxo Steph




jsteam wrote:

What's hard are the triggers from 25 years of doing something twice a year, like
getting out of the dentist, so this is the first time I get out of the dentist and
cannot smoke (don't have to smoke, or whatever politically correct phrase you insist on
using), I used to do it whether numbed to oblivion or not, so its just plain weird not
having a smoke. Took me most of the mornign to get over it.

But, almost 3 months, this is what I signed up for, and will have under my belt next
week.

-jad


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