Re: Data points from Bill S.

Cool post, Bill. Watch that junkie thinking so it can't creep up on you.
Stay thoughtful. It's one of the best things I've seen in a good quit.


"Wrong Attitude" <mr.correct@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
| Do I feel or act crazy now that I don't smoke?
| Well I have had some real strange states of mind in the past 17 days, but
| tell the truth, in the couple of months before I quit the nicotine I was
| really worried about having an irretrievable or possibly permanent break
| with everyday sanity. Yes, not smoking is letting some things come to the
| surface that are frightening, and cause some rather intense emotions, but
| it's definitely different than it was before. Before I stopped doing the
| nicotine I was feeling really bad - the worst I've ever felt.
| .How bad is my craving ? what is it like ?
| About 90% of the time I have no craving. About 9.5% of the time I have
| fleeting ideas about doing something like going down to the convenience
| store and buying a single cigarette for 75 cents. About 0.5% of the time
| have combined physical and psychological states that make me feel very
| uncomfortable and intensely wanting to smoke. These are a distinctly
| altered state of mind consisting of a kind of clarity and a kind of
| both at the same time. When I get into this state and ride it for a while
| becone aware that I have a self image problem - specifically, that I feel
| that I'm not good enough for just about anything. I want that old
| nicotine high I been using to escape that feeling all these years. At the
| same time I get a slightly heightened awareness of things in the room
| me and feel like I haven't, for years, appreciated anything for what it
| Like everything really is a whole lot more interesting than I normally
| bother to notice.
| Have I had a problem with coughing since I quit?
| No, not so far. But I wasn't coughing before I quit either. However, in
| the month or two before I quit I was having sensations that felt like I
| having a heart attack. Also spells of nausea. I would continue smoking
| spite of those sensations, partly to see what would happen because I
| believe I was actually having a heart attack, and partly because I just
| wanted that nicotine high so much - more than I ever wanted it before.
| more I felt like I might be on the verge of dying the more I wanted to get
| high on nicotine, really indulge in it, kind of like a way of celebrating
| the stupidity of smoking and stressing out all these years and thus giving
| myself a heart condition as a result.
| Because here's something I became aware of in recent months and is needing
| to be dealt with in some new way. It is that I regret having wasted my
| chasing after the things I chased after, and allowing myself to be
| the way I was motivated, and unapreciative, and too insecure to go the
| direction(s) I should have gone. Because life really is a precious thing
| and a fabulous adventure and I will dearly miss being here, but I had to
| waste the first 50 years figuring out what was going on. And I'm never
| going to stop regretting all that. It is indeed something to be seriously
| regretted. I can think of no bigger thing to be regretted than that. So,
| my strategy for coping with that is to just give myself a break - give
| yourself a break, Bill. OK. I do give myself a break.
| There's more to say but I'm getting kind of nuts here. Whenever I stop
| smoking for a week or two I get this way. Then after a while it goes away
| and after it's gone for a while I get really bored. Eventually I start
| smoking again. I keep smoking for another 6 months or a year and then
| again for 6, 8 maybe 10 weeks and get off on this crazy ride again like I
| now.
| It is a little different this time. I have a plan. I have things I must
| to change my lifestyle. Sell my house. Quit my job. Do something
| different before the time is up. Find a room in an old hotel with a
| community toilet and shower down the hall. Hang out on the sidewalk and
| blend in with the other deranged old men. I'll see you walking by and
| ask you a question that pisses you off. You'll be happy to get back to
| cozy condominium in the nicer neighborhood down the street.
| Bill S.
| very
| this time. It was more than I could handle and I knew the nicotine was a
| serious factor to it - so I decided to get serious about quitting.
| Also concerning crazyness. The older I get the less inhibited I've gotten
| about some things that most people are squeamish about.