Re: A little long but funny

Oh, Michele... can this actually be true? If so, that guy deserves a Darwin
award! Too funny... Shelley


"M" <wpondyu@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:dfdif3d02rpmu5nq3b3fio9k8hd6tucjhg@xxxxxxxxxx
I found this one and nearly fell off my chair. Check it out Donn.

Michele

TASER???, ANYONE?

STUN GUN STUNNER
A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for
a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed >to
be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get
the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy,
thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst ould purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long,
ess than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with
two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side s to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF
MASS
DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again !"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be
considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both
nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return. Still in shock.

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".

STUN GUNS AND REDNECKS DO NOT MIX.


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