Re: Caregivers in the group - Need advice - Reply to group
- From: "rose" <rosedawn_scott@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: 27 Feb 2006 06:59:00 -0800
chsw wrote:
My wife refuses to go to OT, PT, psychologist. How have you dealt with
your recalcitrant spouses? I'm in NY, and cannot legally compel her to
do anything unless she is adjudged incompetent by a court, which is
isn't. I am open to any suggestions.
CW
CW, Dennis and i had a very interesting talk yesterday, inspired by
your post. i tried to convince him to get on and post himself, but he's
not going for it, so i'll try to play his stand-in here.
the *very* first thing he said was, "If his wife is anything like you,
tell the guy to back off, because if she's anything like you, the more
he tries to argue and convince her, the more she'll dig in her heels
just out of stubbornness." now, I *don't* know if Cara is 'anything
like me' in that way, but he does have my number. when someone tries to
tell you what's good for you -- even if it IS good for you, and you
know they're saying it out of concern -- it's natural to get defensive.
if she feels like you're pushing her, she'll either retreat, or push
back.
Dennis said that while you can't tell people what to do, sometimes you
can show them logically why it would be better that way, and then
they'll be more open to listening. ok, that's his opinion as a partner,
which is what you asked for, but i'll go ahead and add in here that
Cara would have to be Spock-like logical for that to really work. there
have been plenty of times when my logical mind realized something ws
either good, or not so good, but the emotional response has over-ridden
the logic.
something Dennis and i agreed on is, have you asked her WHY she's not
interested in PT, OT, etc.?, and do her answers make sense. that last
part, even if they don't make sense to *you*, can you see *why* they
make sense to her? for instance, and i know this isn't what you're
talking about, many well spouses just can't conceive why anyone would
contemplate stopping an Interferon due to "mere" side effects -- they
might start thinking the person with M.S. is being foolish, or even
that they're depressed or 'giving up' -- well, those of us who've had
BAD reactions from the Interferons would definitely understand, you
know?
has she had P.T. before? maybe she feels that more would not help? not
long after i became SP, my neuro was telling me to prepare
psychologically for 'the chair' -- LOL, I just thought of this, he uses
that term every time, not 'wheelchair' or 'powerchair,' just 'THE
chair' -- don't necessarily like that association! anyway, i was
determined to prove him wrong, don't tell me i can't walk, I AM
walking! he ref'd me to P.T., and lectured me about my activities -- i
was doing this 3-mile round trip walk to the grocery store, the last
1.5 miles uphill with filled grocery bags, that kind of thing. he said
i needed to quit that, and save my energy for P.T.
so....to get to the physical therapist, i have to walk a little over a
mile just to get to the closest bus stop, then i have to take the bus
to downtown San Diego, transfer, get to P.T., walk on a treadmill, lift
light weights, turn around and do the same thing over again vice-versa.
in other words, i'm still walking almost as far just to get to the bus
stop, in order to pretend-walk and pretend-lift, and being exhausted
from the trip, but instead of having fresh food to show for it, all
i've got is the used transfer in my pocket! my neuro himself saw the
light when i explained it to him that way!
later on, when *I* felt it was time, i asked *him* to prescribe more
P.T., and he did so. it helped a lot, for a while, then the physical
therapists said they had reached the limits of what they could do
for/with me outpaient, and wanted me to check into a Rehab Hospital for
more hardcore rehab, but Medicare wouldn't pay, so no go on that one.
it's possible that she either feels she doesn't need it, or that it
wouldn't be of any use, and if it's the latter case, then there IS
psychological stuff that's important to recognize -- if something is
presented to you as 'your last chance' or 'your best chance,' and you
try it, and it fails...then you're kind of left drifting, and possibly
a hell of a lot more depressed than you would be if you were 'in
denial' -- because that way it hasn't been actually *proven* that
you've reached the limits of what P.T. has to offer, so you don't have
to think about the ramifications of what that might mean.
how can you convince her? you can't. not till she's ready to hear what
you're saying, and *agrees* with it. i've been told numerous times,
usually by GPs, that i 'need' to be on anti-depressants. when i ask
why, they say it's because 'studies have proven' that people with M.S.
have a higher incidence of depression than the healthy population. then
i tell them that i won't take AD meds if i'm not *clinically*
depressed, because situational depression is not pathological, it's
*logical*, and i get more value working through the situational stuff
as opposed to numbing it -- that's my position, period end of story --
i'm not taking anti-depressants for 'the blues,' i'll only take them
for clinical depression. Dennis is 100% behind me on that one. (his
experiences of me on Paxil during the Rebif trials i think convinced
him that Paxil is poison and nobody should ever take it, but that's a
different, very unpleasant story...)
think of it this way -- if she *did* go, eagerly, for PT, OT, and ADs
-- and then *nothing* changed for the better -- how would you feel?
multiply that by about a zillion, and that's probably pretty close to
how *she* would feel. sometimes we avoid things that might make us
better, just because we're so afraid that if they DON'T, the only thing
left would be despair. i guess that proverbial 'at least we know we did
everything we can' dealie, that's *supposed* to make you feel better
somehow -- crap, if we've done everything we can and it's still not
helping, it's not gonna make *me* feel better, it's going to make me
feel...probably kind of *hopeless*, y'know?
do you guys do any couples counseling? maybe if the focus wasn't on
fixing *her*, but both of you together looking for some help at working
it all through, it would be more palatable to her?
as far as the OT, I don't know -- see, i used to work for an
Occupaional Therapy company before my own dx, so i was always pretty
jazzed o the idea of O.T.
i also wonder if financial concerns could be part of it -- like, why
waste money on things i don't need/that won't help me. in my case, even
if we can afford something, i still try to weight whether we *should*
-- if we don't spend the money on a shrink, we'll be able to afford to
spend more time and money having fun, which is a psychological boost;
if we don't spend the money on a powerchair then we can buy a used car,
stow a manual wheelchair in the trunk, and go places together. if we
buy the powerchair, i won't need someone to push me, but i'll ONLY be
able to go places alone. Dennis has never, ever argued against spending
money on my health, but i feel (irrationally) guilty when i know there
are *always* other things the money could be spent on, tha would
benefit us as a family, rather than just me as a person with M.S.
or maybe she feels like she's being ganged up on by you and the docs --
any whiff that i'm getting played by a team, i'll dig my heels in so
far i'll be stomping on heads in Beijing! sometimes all that's been
required is for everyone to take a step back, give me time to think and
room to breathe, and make up my own mind.
and yes, we are both sickos, but Dennis and i had tons o'fun with your
wording: How To Deal With A Recalcitrant Spouse. LOL. I won't share the
ideas we jokingly came up with, they're available on many internet porn
sites. ;->
good luck to you both. how's your son handling things? remember to be a
Dad as well as a concerned husband -- increasing parental disability is
a rough thing for a kid to deal with.
best,
rose
.
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