Re: Too Considerate

On Apr 18, 9:53 pm, "Billie" <mynewsacco...@xxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
"Arch" <A...@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message news:Arch-

:
: My problem is that my wife continues to buy things she thinks I will
: like for desert or snacks. They are "no sugar added" bakery items
: generally. I've explained they will be no sugar added but will be high
: in fat. I also stressed the temptation for me is sometimes too much and
: I eat too much of it. She understands but continues sporadically to do
: it.
:
: The other problem is that if she is eating something during or after
: dinner she still offers some to me. I've told her many times to stop
: doing it but she continues. Yesterday she was eating pretzels and
: offered me some. I told her they spike me and I didn't want any. I've
: told her many time to stop offering. If I want something I'll ask for it.
:
: She said she does it because she loves me and feels bad about eating
: something I like in front of me. She doesn't want to be rude to me. I
: told her the effects on me of the things she buys or offers me, and she
: understands. But continues to say she feels bad eating things I can't
: eat.
:
: I don't know how to stop her from it. I told her it's like sabotaging
: me, which she insists she isn't trying to do. I feel like a victim of
: her old fashioned manners and considerations.
:
: Any ideas or suggestions?
: Thanks!

Arch,
I had exactly the same problem. I am disabled with Myasthenia Gravis, and a
myriad of other autoimmune diseases, which puts my husband in the position
of chief cook and bottle washer, and everything else. I lie back and watch.
In August, he'll be 68, I'll be 65.

Whenever he would grocery shop without me, he would happily surprise me with
an old favorite, now an absolute no-no, and I'd be put in the position of,
"Oh, yes, thank you." Aargh..... what to do now? I didn't want to hurt his
feelings, and I had reached the point that I could do without all those
goodies, especially if they were out of sight, out of mind. Since I was on
the couch all the time, eventually, I asked him to put all snack items on
the fridge which was behind me, where I couldn't see them. Okay for that.
Somehow or other things got eaten. ;-) One granddaughter or another or
him.

Then, I figured I could eat a certain size portion of ice cream in the
evening. Rather than measure it, he's just plop a big chunk in a big bowl,
and tell me to just eat what I wanted, and not to worry about the rest.
Huh? Sorry, but I am just not that strong!

I think it was when I ask him to start going into my doctors' appointments
with me, and participating that he began to finally get the picture. Now,
he is a part of my medical team, not just an outsider preparing my food,
washing my clothes, etc. I had a crisis some weeks ago, where he almost
lost me, and *that* really changed him. He is not nearly as forgetful about
my care now, and making sure I have everything I need before he goes
upstairs at night (I cannot climb the stairs). Recently, he began to get
very lax about my care, letting my rxs lapse, etc., even with daily
reminders, and I felt he was suffering from burn-out. He had an opportunity
to get away for the whole day last Saturday, and I made sure that he took
it. Granddaughter 17 y/o stayed here with me, we had fun, and he really had
fun, bringing back some old family pictures, and stories of the day of the
birthday of the great-great-great nephew's birthday party. He still forgot
to get what I needed from Wal-Mart today, but it was not because he had
tuned me, and the rest of the world out; it was his usual forgetfulness.....
*s* and he went back to the store to get the item. *vbg* Somewhere
between here and our hometown, he lost the grumpy old man, and found the
sweetie I'm used to having around here.

I suspect your wife is at a loss as how to exactly express her feelings
about your compromised health. Now that Jim and I are working together more
as a team, he is paying more attention to what I - we - learn is best for
me, and plays a more proactive role in my health-life. Arch, it would not
surprise me if underneath it all, there is some fear, some loss of control,
etc. I know it's been nearly ten years, but that doesn't mean she's
adapted/adjusted to the diabetes, especially if she hears the horror
statistics on the news. "Oh, is Arch next?" Fear. Let me show him how
much I love him. Yes, her reactions do not match that, but our actions do
not always equal our emotions. You may have a happy, passionate marriage
without having the best communication. Jim and I have been married for 45
years, and just these past few years, the last one especially since his
retirement, and his having to be with me round the clock, has our
*communication* grown, and we understand and enjoy each other more like when
we were young, even more so. It makes me smile right now just to think of
looking across the room at him, and some of the things that we come up with.
(he's not here; he's already gone to bed, but my thoughts bring a smile) I
really cannot put into words how much better it is, and that is without our
ability to have the physical part to our marriage, too.

Thanks for asking your questions for it gave me a chance to look at my own
marriage, and my own relationship, and what Jim and I have gone through. It
makes me appreciate him that much more.

Billie

Hi Billie,

Just a quick note to let you know how much I always admire your
sensitive insight. I am so glad you are well enough to share these
gems.

I gathered from one of your other posts that you are not expecting too
much from your follow up appt in regard to the MG. Still, I'm hoping
there is good news. Please let us know what you find out.

Best regards,
Michelle C., T2
diet & exercise

.

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