Re: Need help and advice fast

On May 3, 3:16 am, Sean C <redh...@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hi everyone,

I have a really desperate situation which I need advice on really fast.
My friend is in the hospital right now, dying of Stage IV lung cancer.
Her son talked to her doctor this afternoon, and the doctor told him he
doesn't expect her to last more than a few days, and no more than a
week at most. Her son asked me not to tell her this, as she is very
afraid of dying and he doesn't want to cause her any more distress than
he has to. I am somewhat inclined to agree with this, for reasons I
will explain, but at the same time I think it is morally wrong not to
tell her. I am severely conflicted about what to do.

She told me over a week ago that the doctor had told her to "get her
affairs in order" which she took to mean he doesn't think there is any
hope for her. She asked me not to tell her son or any of our mutual
friends. When I tried to bring up the issue of hospice, she told me she
didn't want to talk about "it" anymore, and she made it clear she was
not comfortable at all talking about dying (though the words "death" or
"dying" were never used, it was clear from the context what we were
talking about), and made it clear she didn'ty want me to raise the
subject again. She made it clear she prefers to remain in denial to the
extent possible, and so long as she has enough meds and has no pain and
can lay in bed and watch TV, that is all she wants. It is for this
reason that I am inclinded to agree with her son not to tell her: she
has expressed a preference to remain in denial.

But in spite of being told to "get her affairs in order" and the doctor
telling her son she has less than a week to live, they have given her
chemotherapy treatments and are scheduled to do another one this week.
The chemo has a profound effect on her cognition, making her totally
confused and saying bizarre and off the wall things, as though she were
on acid. This makes absolutely no sense at all to me, and for reasons
too numerous to go into now, I think both her primary care and cancer
doctor are complete assholes, and her son had already made the decision
to try and get a new set of doctors for her and get her into a better
hospital. I don't think she is getting proper pain treatment in the
hospital where she is at.

But if her cognition is all screwed up, how can I assertain whether she
really wants to be informed of the truth or not? I though of asking her
a "what if" question with a scenario where the doctor says she has two
weeks to live, would she want to know that? At the same time, she
doesn't want her son to know, even though he in fact already does know.
So now everyone has to pretend that she is not going to die, and she
may be getting the chemo just to maintain the illusion for her son that
there is still hope. But both her and her son know (though she doesn't
know she supposedly only has a matter of days) and both are trying to
keep a scret from the other which isn't really a secret.

Does she have a legal right to know that she is going to die? If the
doctor legally obligated to tell her and her family this if he
genuinely believes it and if so, why is he giving her chemotherapy and
radiation at this late date, if she only has days to live and it so
severely affecting her cognition?

I feel she has a right to know, and if she has only a few days to live,
she should be in a hospice, and not in a hospital that she hates and
fears (again, for reasons that are too lengthy to get into) and she is
only in this hospital because her doctor is affiliated with it. There
is only one other hospital in town and that one has a poor reputation
as well. But at the same time, she has made it clear she doesn't want
to know when she is dying, but didn't quite spell it out to me, so I am
deeply confused, conflicted and utterly distraught about this whole
thing, not knowing what to do. At the same time, I think having her
friends around is cheering her up and making it easier to cope, and
they have a right to know and she may want to make time for them if she
knows she is going to die. As it is, she is declining phone calls and
such from friends she might otherwise want to talk to if she knew the
truth.

If anyone has any opinions on this, I would greatly appreciate them.

--Sean C

Sean,

You have been put in a position that no one should ever be in! It
does sound to me as if your friend is in denial, but, deep down knows
what her condition really is.

Her family could place her in a hospice, and simply say that it's for
her own comfort. The choice really should be theirs, not yours, but,
IMO, it would be cruel to force information on her now.

And there's alwayys the chance that the doctors have things wrong, or
that she may go into remission. Chhemo should only be given at her
direct request...to risk sounding overly optimistic to the point of
unrealistic thinking, where there's life, there's hope". Treatment,
however, should be continued only at her direct request.

This is the most difficult dilemma I've heard on this group,
ever...I'm just going on the assumption that the dying person's wishes
be honored. This may not be wise in every case, but it makes the most
snse, and seems the most moral, to me.

Don't forget to take care of yourself-you have a difficult tiime ahead
of you, whether she dies within days, or lingers a while. The only
thing that I can see your having any responsiility in, is to see that
she isn't taken advantage of, or put into needless pain. There's
probably a 'right' answer for each person, in your friend's
condition, doing what you can to keep her comfortable is the only
thing required of a friend-and the fact that you've asked proves that
she's lucky to have you. I can only wish her the absolute minimum
pain for the rest of her life...As for you, take your cues from her,
and don't beat yourself up.

I wish you the best possible.


-Legend

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