Re: Steffane

Patrick,

I did the benadryl overdose. I was in the icu for 3 days and somehow
managed to live. This was a 6 months ago. I have decided to give it a shot
for couple of more months. I will not pick a day. I have done that
before. I think (I am skeptical) god heard me yesterday. One of my ex's
who is a good friend is moving in so we wont lose our home. My daughter is
home now. She is happy to be home and a little mad at me. But since she
loves me I dont care she can be as mad as she wants to be. She doesnt like
staying with grandma and grandpa. I have a appt for a epidural on Wednesday
and then we will go from there. The pain clinic is taking me on as a
paitent. AND if this pain clinic here isnt doing the job then we are going
to the university. I didnt tell anyone but I was in the hospital last week
with the back pain and they gave me morphine. I felt so much better. Well
since then I called my doc and was forceful. I said to him either you give
me something stronger or you put me inpaitent until the epidural or you can
get a call from the medical board. He goes oh you were at the hospital? I
said yes and I have told your nurse that. That is why I insisted that YOU
call me in person. So he called me in percocet. Not doing as much as I
would like but I am not screaming in pain. SO that is good. The lortab
just arent working. I find the pain is moving. I really think I have lost
my mind. But from trying to walk and albeit I look funny while I do this I
think I am throwing other things out. My hip hurts and my side like it is
moving from the front to back now. I dont know anyway. Thank you for being
concerned about me. Oh by the way Makayla that is my daughter does have a
dad who is in her life he just isnt what I would call the brightest
lightbulb in the room. Happens when you get married young.
"Patrick" <jimmyk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:SU3rf.9178$3Z.1769@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>I am glad that things seem just a bit clearer right now for you, I know
> you still sound very depressed, but your post was much more clear
> headed and it sounds to me as if you are a bit less desperate at least
> at the moment.
>
> I smoke about a pack a day, that was I did on and off since I was 13 and
> am now 40. I was given an ultimatum by my 19 y/o daughter. I have had
> custody of her since she was 9 and she is finishing up her last year of
> high
> school (her mother and I held her back in 1st grade, I was keeping her
> half
> of the time but her mom was moving from town to town and she was in 3
> different schools the first time she was in first grade so we wanted her
> to
> get a good start and have a full year at one school that is why she just
> turned
> 19 and is a Senior in HS). She is a great kid, super grades, no problems
> but she did get pregnant and made me a grandfather in August, and she said
> that not only did she want me to quit for his health but also because she
> wants
> me to be around for her son. So far I have not had one in 3 months. It
> was
> hard but it is worth it, the first two weeks were the most difficult,
> after
> that it
> has been comparatively easier than I thought.
>
> My daughter is the reason I have not committed suicide when I felt like
> you
> have felt. I am doing wonderfully now, but 5 years ago I was in your
> shoes
> in many ways, I had the job and money, that was not the problem, and if
> you
> had plenty of money, believe me, it would not make things easier. But I
> would
> have done myself in, and even had the plans, I was going to do it with
> benedryl,
> a great way to fall asleep and have a cardiac arrhythmia. On top of it I
> was going
> to take several other medications I had around the house just to make sure
> I
> did
> not wake up (I am a volunteer medic and know what will and won't likely
> kill
> me).
>
> I was going to get a sleeping bag and pillow and do it in the front hall,
> that way the
> funeral home guys would not have far to move me. My daughter was with her
> mom
> that weekend so they would not have found me, I did not want to have my
> lovely
> daughter find me. I had friends that were supposed to come over the next
> morning
> they would have found me. I had all my important papers available, life
> insurance
> forms etc. so no one would have to look hard for them, I had a note
> written
> out,
> not a kind of "I feel sorry for myself" note, but the kind of note that
> assured my
> daughter and the rest of my family that there was nothing they could have
> done
> and to never even think about blaming themselves, that it was a conscious
> choice
> I had thought about and that I was sorry I could not be there for them the
> way I would
> have liked to.
>
> For whatever reason, even though I was in so much pain I could barely
> work,
> I would
> not sleep because it hurt to be in any one position for more than a few
> minutes, no doc
> would listen, no doc would help.
>
> Somehow I got through that week, I found a doc that helped, and other docs
> that
> followed, I found people that had been through what I had been through and
> they
> willingly gave me help and offered more than I could ever have imagined.
>
> I made it through that, now I have times where I hurt, but not that
> emotional desperation
> that I had five years ago. Now I get to enjoy my daughter and see her
> being
> a wonderful
> mom, even at her young age. I see my grandson smile ( he laughs out loud
> at
> 4 months old),
> I give him his last feeding of the night at midnight every night while my
> daughter sleeps.
>
> Life is wonderful now, I have help and ask for it when I need it. I know
> that you too will
> have these things, if you want it bad enough, you will be blessed. The
> strange things with
> the human psyche is that the way we feel at the moment, we somehow think
> that we are
> always going to feel that way. The bad things that we experience, we can
> never imagine
> things getting better or us getting over them. We always get over them,
> we
> always feel
> better, it always happens to all of us, but for some reason we never can
> seem to get that
> into our thick skulls when things are shitty. I am certain things will be
> better for you, and
> if they are better for you, they will in turn be better for your daughter.
> I am glad mine never
> had to make a life insurance claim on me, I will never forget that night,
> when I look at the
> smile on my grandson's face, I know it can be shitty, but that it does get
> better.
>
> --
> Patrick
>
> Patrick H. Mason MS, OHST, EMT-I
>
> A delusion shared by many is a culture; shared by some is a cult;
> shared by 2 is love; but a delusion held by one is psychosis.
>
> "Steffane" <canUfinish@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
> news:x6Nqf.301019$Cq1.160438@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>> I do want to remarry and have a life however if the pain I am having and
>> have had for almost 3 yrs now will not go away I dont want to be around
>> anymore. I am so depressed. I am beginning to hate myself. My daughter
>> wanted me to lie down with her tonight at bedtime and I did and I was in
> so
>> much pain and she could see it. I couldnt lie there for more than 3 -5
> min.
>> It was a horrible disappointment to me. I cant DO the things things I
> NEED
>> to do. It is xmas and I am on disability and have very little money
> because
>> most of it goes to the bills. I have never lived above our means. We
> have
>> been blessed with a house and a car nice things ect. I took out a loan
>> (thank god for good credit) just to give her a good xmas. I wont lie and
>> say in my head I wasnt thinking I want this to be a great xmas for her
>> because it may be her last one with me if this keeps up. I do have some
>> news though. Called one of the top lawyers in town and he happened to be
> in
>> today. Told his paralegal what was going on with the past doctor asked
>> if
> I
>> would have a lawsuit. She said she would talk to him. Well not 30 min
> did
>> he call back looks like we do. I already had my med records however
>> they
>> excludeded any info from march to august. Hmmmm wonder why that is?
> Maybe
>> because he was calling me in narcotics like candy and not even seeing me.
>
>> So I called my family doc and said I wanted a appt with the pain clinic
>> because they have to make a appt. Well got that for Jan 4th and they are
>> giving me a epidural that day. I dont know why. Didnt ask for one and
>> obviously they dont work. So who knows why that is happening. But
>> hopefully when they realize that it causes me more pain and I "fly" off
> the
>> table from the injection like last time that they will then help me. I
>> do
>> see a psych doc and that has been since 6 months after this pain started.
>> He knows what I am going through and he is very sympathetic to everything
>> however I dont think he realized that he gave me the meds for the suicide
>> "coctail" Which make it hard. Oh also I am sorry but for ppl who do not
>> smoke please do not tell me that I should lose 2 crutches at one time. I
>> dont think I could do it and a week after I got out I would be doing the
>> same thing I am now. So please just bear with me I am trying. Oh and the
>> doc I saw yesterday that "promised" she would be with me through this
> whole
>> process and said she would call me today never called.
>> "Legend_of_53" <the_warrior@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
>> news:68222620899341c55c8f3eedce1def75@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>> >
>> >
>> > "Steffane" <canUfinish@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
>> > news:Miwqf.113160$0L5.30630@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>> >> I had the worst experience. For those of you that have been
>> >> following me I had a appt yesterday at the univ of iowa hospital. I
>> >> saw a gyno. WHAT A JOKE. First of all I was honest and told her I
>> >> had been on lortab for over 2 years and took everything else I am on.
>> >> She thought that I needed to detox and to do that inapaitent. They
>> >> tried to find my pain by ultrasound and pelvicly and ofcourse they
>> >> didnt. It is back pain. I want to scream. So I promised her that if
>> >> I signed myself in on Monday the day after xmas that she wouldnt
>> >> forget me and make sure that i had the right docs. She swore she
>> >> wouldnt. So then I got to thinking about it. We went out to eat and
>> >> I thought I bet I cant smoke. How in the hell am I going to go off
>> >> lortab find what is wrong with me and quit smoking. SO I started
>> >> calling other hospitals and Lukes doesnt have a pain clinic. Mercy
>> >> does and you can smoke until the 1st however the triage nurse there
>> >> said that it sounded ridicolucs to her to take me off the lortab
>> >> until they find my pain and some other med that worked. Also a gyno
>> >> wouldnt have any idea what to do about pain mgnt. So she said that I
>> >> should call the pain clinic in the morning and let them know what is
>> >> exactly going on. I will sign into mercy if I can smoke and go off
>> >> lortab as long as they are trying to find my pain and trying other
>> >> drugs that arent as addictive. Hell at this point the lortab doesnt
>> >> even work and I need something stronger. I said this would be my
>> >> last shot. I prayed I agreeded to give it a shot but look what is
>> >> happening. SO I am calling my psych doc this am about it and also
>> >> calling the pain clinic. I am sure nothing will be done. I also
>> >> need to call my doc to get more lortab because I i will run out over
>> >> the holidays. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> S.
>> >
>> >
>> > Steffane,
>> > I read your other thread, and am quite worried about you. You seemed a
>> > bit vague about the "other stuff" you were on, but hinted that it may
>> > be
>> > enough to kill you!Does your OB/gyn plan on operating soon? That may
>> > be
>> > the reason for the detox. Quite a few patients have awakened on the
>> > operating table.
>> >
>> > If you have the time, I would see a psychiatrist or counselor first.
> You
>> > have a lot of priorities to set in order. You say you want to get
>> > your
>> > pain and your gynelogical problems taken care of, take full charge of
> your
>> > daughter, maybe remarry, have more kids. Then you mention suicide! You
>> > bring up points, some more valid than others, concerning detox and
>> > hospitalization. but you let something like giving up smoking, not
>> > even
>> > necessarily permanently,be the deciding factor for a hospital.
>> >
>> > You have a lot on your plate, and I'm not saying that you're mentally
> ill,
>> > necessarily. Everyone thinks of suicide sometimes;but you seem to
>> > think
>> > you have the means, plus you have a little girl at home-I hope you're
>> > keeping your meds safely locked away from her.
>> >
>> > I think you've been advised as much as it is safe, coming from
>> > non-professionals; if you have time, see a psychiatrist(I see one, so
> I'm
>> > not looking down on you); if not, check into a hospital, but tell the
>> > doctors some of what you've been feeling and thinking; you and your
> little
>> > girl will be on my mind, and probably on the minds of a lot of others
>> > here;
>> > think of her, if you get tempted to hurt yourself. And please try and
>> > keep
>> > in touch, but make taking care of your daughter and yourself your first
>> > priority.
>> >
>> >
>> > -Legend
>> >
>>
>>
>
>


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