Steffane
- From: "Patrick" <jimmyk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2005 04:12:34 GMT
I am glad that things seem just a bit clearer right now for you, I know
you still sound very depressed, but your post was much more clear
headed and it sounds to me as if you are a bit less desperate at least
at the moment.
I smoke about a pack a day, that was I did on and off since I was 13 and
am now 40. I was given an ultimatum by my 19 y/o daughter. I have had
custody of her since she was 9 and she is finishing up her last year of high
school (her mother and I held her back in 1st grade, I was keeping her half
of the time but her mom was moving from town to town and she was in 3
different schools the first time she was in first grade so we wanted her to
get a good start and have a full year at one school that is why she just
turned
19 and is a Senior in HS). She is a great kid, super grades, no problems
but she did get pregnant and made me a grandfather in August, and she said
that not only did she want me to quit for his health but also because she
wants
me to be around for her son. So far I have not had one in 3 months. It was
hard but it is worth it, the first two weeks were the most difficult, after
that it
has been comparatively easier than I thought.
My daughter is the reason I have not committed suicide when I felt like you
have felt. I am doing wonderfully now, but 5 years ago I was in your shoes
in many ways, I had the job and money, that was not the problem, and if you
had plenty of money, believe me, it would not make things easier. But I
would
have done myself in, and even had the plans, I was going to do it with
benedryl,
a great way to fall asleep and have a cardiac arrhythmia. On top of it I
was going
to take several other medications I had around the house just to make sure I
did
not wake up (I am a volunteer medic and know what will and won't likely kill
me).
I was going to get a sleeping bag and pillow and do it in the front hall,
that way the
funeral home guys would not have far to move me. My daughter was with her
mom
that weekend so they would not have found me, I did not want to have my
lovely
daughter find me. I had friends that were supposed to come over the next
morning
they would have found me. I had all my important papers available, life
insurance
forms etc. so no one would have to look hard for them, I had a note written
out,
not a kind of "I feel sorry for myself" note, but the kind of note that
assured my
daughter and the rest of my family that there was nothing they could have
done
and to never even think about blaming themselves, that it was a conscious
choice
I had thought about and that I was sorry I could not be there for them the
way I would
have liked to.
For whatever reason, even though I was in so much pain I could barely work,
I would
not sleep because it hurt to be in any one position for more than a few
minutes, no doc
would listen, no doc would help.
Somehow I got through that week, I found a doc that helped, and other docs
that
followed, I found people that had been through what I had been through and
they
willingly gave me help and offered more than I could ever have imagined.
I made it through that, now I have times where I hurt, but not that
emotional desperation
that I had five years ago. Now I get to enjoy my daughter and see her being
a wonderful
mom, even at her young age. I see my grandson smile ( he laughs out loud at
4 months old),
I give him his last feeding of the night at midnight every night while my
daughter sleeps.
Life is wonderful now, I have help and ask for it when I need it. I know
that you too will
have these things, if you want it bad enough, you will be blessed. The
strange things with
the human psyche is that the way we feel at the moment, we somehow think
that we are
always going to feel that way. The bad things that we experience, we can
never imagine
things getting better or us getting over them. We always get over them, we
always feel
better, it always happens to all of us, but for some reason we never can
seem to get that
into our thick skulls when things are shitty. I am certain things will be
better for you, and
if they are better for you, they will in turn be better for your daughter.
I am glad mine never
had to make a life insurance claim on me, I will never forget that night,
when I look at the
smile on my grandson's face, I know it can be shitty, but that it does get
better.
--
Patrick
Patrick H. Mason MS, OHST, EMT-I
A delusion shared by many is a culture; shared by some is a cult;
shared by 2 is love; but a delusion held by one is psychosis.
"Steffane" <canUfinish@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:x6Nqf.301019$Cq1.160438@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> I do want to remarry and have a life however if the pain I am having and
> have had for almost 3 yrs now will not go away I dont want to be around
> anymore. I am so depressed. I am beginning to hate myself. My daughter
> wanted me to lie down with her tonight at bedtime and I did and I was in
so
> much pain and she could see it. I couldnt lie there for more than 3 -5
min.
> It was a horrible disappointment to me. I cant DO the things things I
NEED
> to do. It is xmas and I am on disability and have very little money
because
> most of it goes to the bills. I have never lived above our means. We
have
> been blessed with a house and a car nice things ect. I took out a loan
> (thank god for good credit) just to give her a good xmas. I wont lie and
> say in my head I wasnt thinking I want this to be a great xmas for her
> because it may be her last one with me if this keeps up. I do have some
> news though. Called one of the top lawyers in town and he happened to be
in
> today. Told his paralegal what was going on with the past doctor asked if
I
> would have a lawsuit. She said she would talk to him. Well not 30 min
did
> he call back looks like we do. I already had my med records however they
> excludeded any info from march to august. Hmmmm wonder why that is?
Maybe
> because he was calling me in narcotics like candy and not even seeing me.
> So I called my family doc and said I wanted a appt with the pain clinic
> because they have to make a appt. Well got that for Jan 4th and they are
> giving me a epidural that day. I dont know why. Didnt ask for one and
> obviously they dont work. So who knows why that is happening. But
> hopefully when they realize that it causes me more pain and I "fly" off
the
> table from the injection like last time that they will then help me. I do
> see a psych doc and that has been since 6 months after this pain started.
> He knows what I am going through and he is very sympathetic to everything
> however I dont think he realized that he gave me the meds for the suicide
> "coctail" Which make it hard. Oh also I am sorry but for ppl who do not
> smoke please do not tell me that I should lose 2 crutches at one time. I
> dont think I could do it and a week after I got out I would be doing the
> same thing I am now. So please just bear with me I am trying. Oh and the
> doc I saw yesterday that "promised" she would be with me through this
whole
> process and said she would call me today never called.
> "Legend_of_53" <the_warrior@xxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
> news:68222620899341c55c8f3eedce1def75@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >
> >
> > "Steffane" <canUfinish@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
> > news:Miwqf.113160$0L5.30630@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> >> I had the worst experience. For those of you that have been
> >> following me I had a appt yesterday at the univ of iowa hospital. I
> >> saw a gyno. WHAT A JOKE. First of all I was honest and told her I
> >> had been on lortab for over 2 years and took everything else I am on.
> >> She thought that I needed to detox and to do that inapaitent. They
> >> tried to find my pain by ultrasound and pelvicly and ofcourse they
> >> didnt. It is back pain. I want to scream. So I promised her that if
> >> I signed myself in on Monday the day after xmas that she wouldnt
> >> forget me and make sure that i had the right docs. She swore she
> >> wouldnt. So then I got to thinking about it. We went out to eat and
> >> I thought I bet I cant smoke. How in the hell am I going to go off
> >> lortab find what is wrong with me and quit smoking. SO I started
> >> calling other hospitals and Lukes doesnt have a pain clinic. Mercy
> >> does and you can smoke until the 1st however the triage nurse there
> >> said that it sounded ridicolucs to her to take me off the lortab
> >> until they find my pain and some other med that worked. Also a gyno
> >> wouldnt have any idea what to do about pain mgnt. So she said that I
> >> should call the pain clinic in the morning and let them know what is
> >> exactly going on. I will sign into mercy if I can smoke and go off
> >> lortab as long as they are trying to find my pain and trying other
> >> drugs that arent as addictive. Hell at this point the lortab doesnt
> >> even work and I need something stronger. I said this would be my
> >> last shot. I prayed I agreeded to give it a shot but look what is
> >> happening. SO I am calling my psych doc this am about it and also
> >> calling the pain clinic. I am sure nothing will be done. I also
> >> need to call my doc to get more lortab because I i will run out over
> >> the holidays. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
> >>
> >>
> >> S.
> >
> >
> > Steffane,
> > I read your other thread, and am quite worried about you. You seemed a
> > bit vague about the "other stuff" you were on, but hinted that it may be
> > enough to kill you!Does your OB/gyn plan on operating soon? That may be
> > the reason for the detox. Quite a few patients have awakened on the
> > operating table.
> >
> > If you have the time, I would see a psychiatrist or counselor first.
You
> > have a lot of priorities to set in order. You say you want to get your
> > pain and your gynelogical problems taken care of, take full charge of
your
> > daughter, maybe remarry, have more kids. Then you mention suicide! You
> > bring up points, some more valid than others, concerning detox and
> > hospitalization. but you let something like giving up smoking, not even
> > necessarily permanently,be the deciding factor for a hospital.
> >
> > You have a lot on your plate, and I'm not saying that you're mentally
ill,
> > necessarily. Everyone thinks of suicide sometimes;but you seem to think
> > you have the means, plus you have a little girl at home-I hope you're
> > keeping your meds safely locked away from her.
> >
> > I think you've been advised as much as it is safe, coming from
> > non-professionals; if you have time, see a psychiatrist(I see one, so
I'm
> > not looking down on you); if not, check into a hospital, but tell the
> > doctors some of what you've been feeling and thinking; you and your
little
> > girl will be on my mind, and probably on the minds of a lot of others
> > here;
> > think of her, if you get tempted to hurt yourself. And please try and
> > keep
> > in touch, but make taking care of your daughter and yourself your first
> > priority.
> >
> >
> > -Legend
> >
>
>
.
- References:
- What happened at the hospital
- From: Steffane
- Re: What happened at the hospital
- From: Juba
- Re: What happened at the hospital
- From: Legend_of_53
- Re: What happened at the hospital
- From: Steffane
- What happened at the hospital
- Prev by Date: Re: Happy Holidays
- Next by Date: Re: movin on
- Previous by thread: Re: What happened at the hospital
- Next by thread: Re: What happened at the hospital
- Index(es):
Relevant Pages
|
