THIS SUCKS

Dear Folks,

You know most of us here people with no face, which is really how it should
be I guess, so nothing is taboo.
Things are never how you expect them to go in life, so I guess it's foolish
to expect anything from it. I always thought I'd find myself at a cross
roads in my life where if I took the right, not quite the easiest, but the
right fork and I could go to my grave knowing I did something, not looking
for fame, not looking for fortune, not even wanting recognition, other than
someone to say "that guy helped me". Just make a difference to make
someone's life a little better and move on to the next guy. I feel like the
2 guys having breakfast in Pulp Fiction, talking about the TV show "kung
fu", "just walking the earth and having adventures".
Here I sit, with a 2/3 wasted body, with the adventure to help and move on
to be going on for months, even years, in the Gulf Coast. I've been to New
Orleans and been to Gulfport and been to Biloxi, they were beautiful places
and my time there was way too short. But my path is there rolled out smack
dab in the face to go to help strangers by the scores and the "situation" of
my lifetime has me more likely to become a causality helping anyone. My mind
is so focused to do good, I could bore a couple of eyeholes through a brick
wall to get it done. The saying "the mind is willing, but the flesh is weak"
may have been meant for other situations, but my mind and body just want to
explode to from this desire to help. Give a kid a candy bar, a fireman a
clean bottle of drinking water, just some goddamnthing other than wishing I
was in the middle of it, and not caring if I come back out in one piece or
not, just helping. And thanks to King George and the other oil Barron's
getting richer on this mess, I don' know if I can handle the monthly copays,
docs and meds, much less have a couple of nickels to rub together to send to
help or even get down there. If they find any organs they can use, they can
have them all. It's not like there's anything else that is all mine to
freely give.
Sorry to bitch, it seems like there's so many with so little and I used to
be able to handle a bucket truck, a chainsaw, and know what I'm doing pretty
damn well around hot high voltage lines. It makes me fell disgusted with
myself when I see the convoys of power company trucks rolling south, knowing
what they'll be doing, rebuilding the power grid, clearing the mess, block
by block, while I felt like a stroke was on it's way for trying to crank up
the grass trimmer.
No sympathy please. It just seems to make the inadequately even more
mountainous. I just need a stiff drink and a solid night's sleep. Some of
your physical issues make me look like Bruce Jenner or Lance Armstrong (or
to really test your age/trivial pursuit, Mark Spitz) by comparison. I just
hate this goddamn self pity bull***, and the only thing that really helps
is helping others. But falling flat on my face, when the real chips are
really down, when people are dying, when it really counts and matters is
just too damn hard, too damn rough, too impossible get used to. Going from
being that guy who always knew how to and when to put out the fires, and now
I'm just another obstacle to get in the way. Sometimes the only useful thing
I have left to do is donate my body to science fiction.
I'm fine, don't worry about me, I'm just going through one of my "blue
periods". Not the religious guy, I hope it doesn't sound hypocritical to say
thank god for the wife, without her I'd truly be lost, long, long, ago. But
venting to you guys, helps more than you can know and whether we've fought
or hugged, thanks to all for being there for me.
This isn't a "goodbye cruel world" note or anything like that. I've walked
that road too, and if you want to do it, you just do it, you don't cry for
help. It's just a vent and a ...

Thank you--og


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