Re: OTP - Caring for our Parents (long)
- From: "Squirrely" <sqjo@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Mon, 6 Oct 2008 15:51:00 -0700
No suggestions Adelle, Just wanted you to know I will be thinking of you and
praying for you and your family during this time.
We will probably be soon going thru the same thing with Jim's dad. He is
about 2 hours away from us so closer but he wants to stay in home to die,
and not be put in assisted living. so it could be touch and go with him soon
too.
It is hard when our parents get older and are set in their ways isn't it?
But what can you do.
that is one of the reasons I told Jim and the boys and SD that I want a DNR
when my times come. They might think it harsh now but I don't want to put
them through alot of suffering and hurting. I want it to just be over. With
my chronic issues this could go on for years if the rescesitate me. I can't
see them and me going thru that.
I know it is hard on the children as well as the person going thru this
stuff. But if you were willing to have her closer to help her out it would
be much easier for you and her both but then I can see where she is coming
from too. so it is hard.
hang in there. take care. keep us posted to how it is going as you can.
--
Love and hugs to all
Love Squirrely Jo
"Adelle" <adNOstavis@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:domdnTfojplX13fVnZ2dnUVZ_uCdnZ2d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi!
Sorry to have been on the periphery lately. Between family stuff
(anniversary and 5 birthdays), Beginning of year school and synagogue
stuff, and Jewish holidays - its been a tad busy. Have been lurking as
usual. But frankly, most of you have far more experience and wisdom so
there is little to add.
I'm hoping to benefit from those of you who have already done this -
Caring for parents long distance. Doug's mom just turned 79. She's had
trouble keeping up with the house for a while, and has finally begun
admitting it. Still, she scheduled shoulder surgery (torn labrum) and
planned to have it done without any assistance at home after surgery. She
is a true Yankee - "Thank you, Dear. Everything is fine. No, thank you.
Everything will be fine, my friend will drive me to and from surgery - I
have it all set." And her doctor was not up front until her pre-op exam
last week about her needing someone with her 24/7 after the surgery - even
though he knew she lived alone. Arrange visiting nurse service? Home
health aides? no - nothing.
Knowing that she has done this before (When Doug's dad was living), and
then called in a panic for Doug to come out that very day (we are in
another state;400 miles and 8 hours away by car. Sadly, transporter
devices have not been invented yet), I talked Doug into arranging leave
and going out there, despite her wishes thus far. But we can see these
kind of things happening more frequently in the future (She has spinal
stenosis and osteo-arthritis, in addition to other health issues).
Obviously, we would like it if she relocated here. But she has a fairly
active life out in Rochester - friends, active in a weaving guild,
volunteering at an historic site to teach weaving there. Doug's sister
(mildly disabled from birth) is also out there (needs more assistance than
she can provide to her mom). And we are not sure how his sister would
adjust to out here. She is fairly independent as she lives in Rochester
and can take public transit. Out here, she would be dependent on us
without the activities she enjoys (food coop, poetry slams...- not the
thing in our little suburb; more available in urban areas which wouldn't
be affordable).
She doesn't want to spend all her money on assisted living (not a whole
lot $ there and the family is very long lived, 90+ average). Doesn't want
to leave her friends. Doesn't want to change her life. Has not yet
overcome the denial - thinking she can continue living in the family home
until she is too far gone to care where she winds up (her words).
ARRRRGH!
I grew up in a family of pragmatists. Maybe it was the influence of being
war refugees, but my mom, and her parents, too, were more than willing to
move wherever they had to in order to make sure they were with family who
could care for them, or arrange care for them. This keeping us at arms
length until she feels overwhelmed and then calling saying, "I need you
now!" drives me crazy. We need to figure out how to move forward and she
is so stuck. And perfectly in her right mind, so there is no making
decisions for her. And Doug was raised to never go against his parents
wishes - so doesn't.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any ideas on how to proceed would be helpful.
Realistically, I know that unless she decides to come out here we will
have to wait until some sort of emergency creates the 'impetus to act.'
But I hate having to make decisions in haste.
For USA people - since the insurance portability act, are provisions in
retirement plans that one's health insurance benefit is only good in the
state where one was employed and retired (from a private university)
enforceable? Or must it be good across state lines?
--
Adelle
.
- References:
- OTP - Caring for our Parents (long)
- From: Adelle
- OTP - Caring for our Parents (long)
- Prev by Date: Mondays update on Aunt Ruby
- Next by Date: Total Knee Replacement
- Previous by thread: Re: OTP - Caring for our Parents (long)
- Next by thread: Re: OTP - Caring for our Parents (long)
- Index(es):
Relevant Pages
|
Loading
