Re: mental impasse?

{{{{{Kate}}}}}

DeeTee

"d'huit" <threecedars1@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:_bydnR69_dgfBIjVnZ2dnUVZ_gGdnZ2d@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
soooo, maybe it's time for true confessions?<smile> i've been either at a
mental impasse or emotionally paralyzed for quite some time.

it took a lot of courage for me to call and get the appointment with my
pcp
back in september. unfortunately, for me, the health issues i made that
appointment for had to be shoved aside that appointment, because i broke
my
leg on the way to the appointment with her. although i did keep all my
ortho appointments about my broken leg, i never did make another pcp
appmt.
though she handled my broken leg situation hobbling into her office
brilliantly/efficiently/effectively.

my cats don't nag me about anything that isn't about them. of course, my
body does nag, but i tend to ignore it. it sure wouldn't be ignored last
night/today though. went to wally world and no motorized carts were
available. i've been paying for that outing for the past 12-plus hours.
yelp and moan city, which my cats are inured to, having heard me sing like
that many times before. (i'm almost out of the pain pills left over from
september's broken leg--use them soooo sparingly, afraid to run out of
them.) but then, i haven't really been sleeping for several months--i
seriously think my body thinks it is feline, because it only knows how to
catnap these days. it's really weirdly disappointing to finally fall
asleep
and then wake up from a dream, look at the alarm clock to discover that
only
8 to 10 minutes have passed, when i thought i slept through the night.

i'm needing to somehow convince myself that i need to make some kind of an
effort or decision. call the pcp for an appmt., find a new doctor (said
with dread), become permanently nocturnal, learn to be happy about my own
suffering and/or figure out how to entertain myself with it, or come up
with
a sit-down comedy routine about my pain to entertain everybody else with
it.
or maybe, grow long whiskers, a sleek tail and find somebody who'll do all
the caring about everything for me<smile> (think i'm definitely coming
back
as a cat in my next life!).

i thought i already knew myself and thought i already knew all of my
self-deceptive avoidance tactics. don't think so anymore, though, cuz i
seem to keep coming up with new and more creative ones that i have to
undeceive myself about--dang, i wish there weren't soooo many ways to
self-deceive!

i'm pretty sure it's all about trust issues. wish you guys could be my
doctors, cuz i trust you. i trust so few doctors (love my hand
surgeon<smile> and would reccommend him to annnnybody). almost trust my
pcp, because she's honest about her mistakes, and i can easily forgive
mistakes that people are open and honest about (if she lied/denied or was
cagey/sneaky/deceptive about them, she'd be toast). but she tends to
snipe
at me--and i don't handle that well coming from anybody; tend to withdraw
from that, for a lonnnnng time. i'm insecure enough already, without
sniping coming at me. but, so many doctors are so disappointing to me and
leave me feeling like i shouldn't trust them, like i need to stay on top
of
their processes and their processing (feel that way even about some labs
and
ultrasound/mri techs--because i've caught too many mistakes to make me
feel
comfortable.), and that's exhausting, at every level. guess trust issues
are fear-based, though warranted in some instances, but not trusting is
definitely exhausting. sigh . . . sometimes, i just feel too tired to
want
to bother to try again. in a way, i wish i could say i was depressed,
because that would give me an excuse, but it wouldn't be the truth. it's
really trust issues. can't seem to get past that. not pretty, is it?

kate







.

Relevant Pages

  • Re: mental impasse?
    ... Call that pcp and explain what's going on with you. ... appointment for had to be shoved aside that appointment, ... i'm pretty sure it's all about trust issues. ... doctors, cuz i trust you. ...
    (alt.support.arthritis)
  • Re: mental impasse?
    ... Call that pcp and explain what's going on with you. ... appointment for had to be shoved aside that appointment, ... i'm pretty sure it's all about trust issues. ... doctors, cuz i trust you. ...
    (alt.support.arthritis)
  • Re: mental impasse?
    ... Kate, wish I could offer some help, but I have no ideas to give you. ... i did call my pcp for an appmt. ... it took a lot of courage for me to call and get the appointment with my pcp ... i'm pretty sure it's all about trust issues. ...
    (alt.support.arthritis)
  • Re: mental impasse?
    ... it took a lot of courage for me to call and get the appointment with my pcp ... ortho appointments about my broken leg, i never did make another pcp appmt. ... i'm pretty sure it's all about trust issues. ... doctors, cuz i trust you. ...
    (alt.support.arthritis)
  • Re: mental impasse?
    ... appointment for had to be shoved aside that appointment, ... ortho appointments about my broken leg, i never did make another pcp ... i'm pretty sure it's all about trust issues. ... doctors, cuz i trust you. ...
    (alt.support.arthritis)