Re: otp - is there such a thing as . . .[kind of long]


"Diane" <dcham@xxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1180623233.397633.225110@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
honey, i'd be amazed if you weren't feeling this way right now. you
just lost your mother and father, and now alex is leaving. you are
sooooo normal. your symptoms are those of depression, but there's
normal reactive depression and then there's the kind you don't pull
out of. i think it's too soon for you to have such high expectations
of yourself.

should you see a therapist? it might help to have someone to talk your
feelings through with. i don't know that you need antidepressants
right now--if you still feel this down in another couple of weeks,
then i'd say yes, to get you through this time.

i love nann's idea of getting away, especially with a good friend.

grief just plain sucks, and i know you've had more than your share of
it. if we could only discover life's fast forward button, we could
make a mint.

hugs,

diane

Hi, Kate;

Agree with Diane 100%. You've suffered two major losses close together and
Alex will be leaving - anticipating another loss. Of course your psyche is
reacting. Look for a grief support group in your community. You may not need
one-on-one stuff to get you through this. Just the support within a grief
group may be all you need. If you find yourself isolating more (choosing not
to be with people), not showering, staying in bed - then it may be time to
ask your doc for a referral so you can get anti-depressants. But unless you
tend toward depression normally, I wouldn't run to medication, just walk.

Forgoing a normal activity - the Tupperware Party - is a flashing red light
for depression and grief. some people just can't muster the energy to be
social after a loss. SOme people like th be around others; it's just the
transition from being alone to being social that seems overwhelming.

If you think you will feel better while you are there, then go. It may give
you a few moments of respite. Don't want to spend money on stuff you won't
use? Take old cracked Tupperware and see if they can replace it under
warranty - or just return it for recycling. Or buy things you can store
single servings of food for freezing. My sister never got the knack of
cooking for only one, so she cooked for the usual crowd (we were 6 at home
when we all learned to cook - and always cooked so there would be leftovers)
and froze single servings for lunches for work or easy dinners for when she
was working late.

Lastly - there are all sorts of ways of expreriencing loss. Jews have a
different take on things than many other religions. Judaism assumes there
are stages to grief and it will take time to deal with it. We don't assume
you can go out there and go live your life as normal. There is no 'just get
on with life'.

In Judaism, the mourning period only begins once burial has taken place; the
death just isn't real until then and everyone is caught up in arrangements.
The first week of mourning (after the burial), it is assumed you need as
much support around you as possible and you will be unable to deal with
normal tasks. It is required you stay at home. People come and visit you and
bring food to your home. They are supposed to listen to you, to sit and let
you talk - about whatever you need to talk about. Services are held (at your
home) every day. Since the prayers require a quorum of ten, it assures there
will be at least that many community members coming to your home to support
you, to help you know you are not alone and the community is there for you.

After seven days - you are going stir crazy and are tired of having people
traipse through your home. You want some privacy (believe me. Been there.
Lost my dad in 2000). On that last morning of the 7th day, community members
are supposed to come to your home and take you out for a walk, so you are
supported in that initial re-entry to society and the world. For the first
30 days, there are restrictions on what you may do in terms of celebrations
and what can be asked of you in terms of leading services at synagogue. It
is expected you will need to be with people, but not be ready to take a
forward role. You need to just exist and feel for a while.

In recognition that this loss will touch you profoundly, there is a
requirement to say a particular prayer on a daily basis. The time period for
how long you are required to say this prayer changes, based on whether
you've lost a parent or child, or other close relative. The prayer requires
being in that quorum, requiring you do go be with people. The minimum
requirement is thirty days. In recognition of the profound affect on your
life, for parents, one says the prayer for 11 or 12 months (depends on your
regional traditions). Its only after that first year it is expected that you
don't need daily support. But still, a person is supposed to say that prayer
on the anniversary of the loss, for the rest of our lives - because that's
how long we'll feel that sense of loss.

Here's a great explanation from a source on Mourning, taking the viewpoint
from the Conservative denomination within Judaism (a liberal wing):
http://www.mazornet.com/mazornet/deathandmourning/ConservativeFirstYear.html

Formal Mourning for the Loss of A Parent
Jewish tradition instruction children to mourn the loss of a parent for a
full year. A year to recover. A year to figure out what it means to be the
child of a parent who is no longer physically present. A year to live in a
state of memory. A year to begin setting a parent's shortcomings into
perspective. A year to figure out how to live without one who gave you life.
A year to begin letting go of the hurt.

Losing a parent leaves an ineffable void. This loss is granted the longest
period of mourning by the Jewish tradition that seeks to limit mourning
periods. A year's worth of attention is a salute to a parent's ultimate gift
to a child: life.

Mourning Observances Kaddish is recited for eleven or twelve months.

After the Shloshim [thirty days after the burial - Adelle] and until the
first anniversary of a death, the mourner stays away from purely social
parties [some say, only occasions where there would be music - Adelle] but
attends religious events like weddings, bar mitzvahs, circumcisions, and
brit habat [for daughters -Adelle] celebrations.

So - back to stuff from Adelle. Don't rush. Don't push. Feelings are going
to well up at odd times. Just experience them. You don't need to interpret
them, push them away, justify them, expain them to anyone. They are just
there. That's what grief and being human is all about.

Sending hugs and love - Adelle


.