Re: OT-humor


"_mL_" <inky56_NOSPAM@hellokittyHATESPAM!!.com> wrote in message
news:y2c2g.35$_z2.17@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Has anyone got any new silly stories or jokes?
I could use some, and i imagine some other people might as well.
Laughter is good for pain!
Thanks! :-)

These are some I'm currently using for our church bulletin (a bullet tells
me I've already used it). Hope they help......

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMMM.


..Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead
..I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
..Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
..Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
..Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
..If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
..If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
..Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
..I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
..42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
97 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
..Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
..How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
..What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
..Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Birds of a feather flock together, and then they poop on your car.
..There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
..Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved...is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment.
..The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.

He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really
in trouble.
..The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!


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