OT: FUNNY!!!!

Pocket Taser Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistal & pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000 volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. NOTHING!
I was dissapointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supossed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5" long, and less than 3/4 inch in
diameter; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best...? I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don;t do it dipshit," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt that bad. I desidedto give myself a one second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT
THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the back door, picked me up in
the recliner, body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture above the fireplace, obviously in a attempt to avoid getting slammed
by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: ther is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!!!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (What little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottomlip weighed88 lbs. I had
no controll over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was to numb to
know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now reguarly threatens me with it!!
If you think education is difficult try being stupid!


Happy Puffin!!!

.

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