OT Costco (long)

Okay, so a little while back they opened up a Costco here in San Luis
Obispo. I live about a half hour north so I was in no hurry to go check it
out. A friend at work has been driving me nuts talking about the six tires
he's buying for his dually for "$600 bucks man, out the door! BF
Goodrich!!!" Okay, okay. So my son and I were out doing errands yesterday,
and we ended up down the hill so I figured, what the hell. I own a small
business, maybe I'll sign up and get some supplies anyway.

$45 later, and I'm holding a plastic magnetic-striped card with a mugshot on
it that would make my driver's license blush. We go inside and start
ebbing-and-flowing with the rest of the deal seekers on the Central Coast.
Mistake. Years ago I remember Sam's Club and it was a pretty good gig.
This was less fun than changing a flat tire in the snow. Basically, if you
are an impulse buyer, stay away from Costco. They have more *** that you
don't need, but priced so well you have no choice but to buy it. You
probably never imagined you ever needed one in the first place. I steered
clear of the food department, sensing that a fight was bound to break out at
any second. (Wal-Mart must have been deserted.) I grabbed a couple cases
of bottled water for my shop, and a pack of paper towels that weighed more
than the water, and we decided to go aisle-by-aisle as I didn't intend to
come back for a while. (I'm adverse to crowds or any grouping of people
numbering two or more.)

My son stared in amazement as he saw a Jacuzzi standing upright next to the
BEEF department. (I swear I heard mooing behind a large partition) I did
see a large 40 X 40 leather ottoman that I WOULD have bought if it were in
black leather instead of.... red. I gripped the handle of my cart very
tightly with both hands as we went through the tool department. So much
cool ***, but I all ready have all that ***! My hands squeezed tighter.
Next aisle, a fucking piano. My son, whom I need to get to piano lessons as
he has a definite knack for the keys, sat down and started plinking away. A
fucking piano I thought as I droned on past, but not before twitching my
eyes to the price tag, wondering if it weighed more, or less, than my paper
towels.

But then, giant doggie pillows!!!! Bigger than the ottoman!!!! One of our
errands later was to go by Goodwill to buy old blankets for our Great Dane.
He goes through blankets like I go through Connies. I keep one at the shop,
a couple in the back of my truck, and quite a few in his monster dog house.
This giant doggie pillow (with cedar stuffing!!) was..... $19.99!!!!!
Daaaaaaaaaaaamn. Get the piano outta the cart son, and get the pillow in
there. That's perfect for the end of the hallway where the dog likes to
sleep. So, as we head to the check out, we go through the DVD section. The
store hushed, the lights dimmed, and all I could see in my tunnel-vision was
the Sopranos 5th season. $60. ***. "Look son, over there! Buy two Kia
SUV's and get the third one free!!!" As he looked away I slipped the DVD
under the doggie pillow and whistled like nothing happened. (He wanted a
Jak & Daxter video game and I said no.)

We get to the checkout and as a crew of high-school linebackers unloaded our
cart, I pulled out a credit card to pay for the goods.
"We_don't_take_credit_cards" the little girl sneers behind a cash register
bigger than a Brink's truck. At this point I was about to gripe as my
nerves were all but scrapped, but then a childhood memory flashed back to
when my father made a major stink at a restaurant when I was about 12. The
cook chased us out to our car with a butcher's knife. True story. So, I
bit my tongue and gave them a debt card. The linebackers were all ready
giving me the eye because I'm sure they thought I was trying to sneak the
Sopranos past them seeing as it was wedged between the doggie pillow and the
paper towels.

Bottom line? Too many people, strange variety of stuff, more "wants" than
"needs," too far to drive, and I like to pay for stuff the way *I* want to
pay for stuff. I'm sure I'll go back so I don't feel the *privilege* of
paying $45 to spend even more money wasn't in vain, but it'll be a while.

Back to you Ted.




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