Re: A tip for the hurricane season:


Captain Compassion wrote:
On 28 May 2006 18:30:08 -0700, "Osiris88" <zz99z@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:


Captain Compassion wrote:
A tip for the hurricane season:
Try to have some kind of a clue
Dave Barry
dbarry@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you're a resident of
Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean
dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you'd have moved to
some less risky place, such as Iraq. This is especially true after
last hurricane season, which was so bad that we went all the way
through the alphabet of official names and had to refer to the last
batch of hurricanes by making primitive grunting sounds.

Unfortunately, it appears we're in for another bad season. The
National Center for Making Everybody Nervous About Hurricanes is
predicting that this season there will be 10 major hurricanes, defined
as ``hurricanes that cause Bryan Norcross to lose his voice.''

According to the center's computer simulations, at least four of those
storms will hit the mainland United States, and at least one of those
will come directly to your house and cause a tree branch, traveling at
150 mph, to impale you through your chest. (Bear in mind that these
are only predictions. It could also be your skull.)

IMPORTANT TIPS

That's why it is so important that you be ready for hurricane season.
Here are some tips to help you prepare:

TIP 1: TRY TO HAVE SOME KIND OF A CLUE.

Let me explain:

When a hurricane is approaching South Florida, we get a LOT of advance
warning. Usually for the entire week leading up to its arrival, the
newspaper prints large headlines that say HURRICANE COMING, along with
many stories reminding people to stock up on water, gas and food. All
the radio stations announce roughly every 25 seconds that a hurricane
is coming and people will need water, gas and food. On TV, Bryan
spends hour after hour pointing at the oncoming radar blob and
rasping, in the voice of an ailing seal, about the need to stock up on
water, gas and food.

So what happens, EVERY SINGLE TIME? I'll tell you! Immediately after
the hurricane passes, lines begin to form all over South Florida --
lines of people, thousands of them, who are in desperate need of --
water, gas and food! WHERE HAVE THESE PEOPLE BEEN? Did the hurricane
winds just carry them here from Madagascar? Can they not function on
their own for 24 hours without having to get into a line? How can they
not even have WATER?? Were they not aware that, as the hurricane
approached, they could have gotten all the water they needed MERELY BY
TURNING ON THE FREAKING WATER FAUCET???

That's what I mean by ``have some kind of clue.''

TIP 2: BE PREPARED FOR POWER OUTAGES.

As you know, Florida Power & Light had some problems last hurricane
season, when it was discovered that, because of an error in the
engineering specifications, thousands of the company's power poles
were in fact really tall breadsticks. FPL has been working hard on
this problem, and a company spokesperson states that this year, if we
are struck by another Wilma-level hurricane, FPL personnel will
immediately implement an action plan designed to provide all
customers, as quickly and as safely as possible, with
realistic-sounding excuses as to why their power will not be restored
for an indeterminate period of time.

EXPLANATION OF `OOPS!'

''Our goal is to have plausible excuses for 80 percent of our
customers within three days,'' stated an FPL spokesperson. ``Of course
it may take longer, especially if we have to bring in excuses from
other power companies.''

So just in case, you might want to invest in a generator. These
invaluable machines enable you, even when your power is out, to annoy
the hell out of your neighbors. If you do get a generator, remember
the basic rules of generator safety:

· Don't drink and generate.

· If you are a guy, and you get into a dispute with a neighbor guy
over who has a bigger generator, do NOT attempt to settle the dispute
by holding a ``spark-off.''

· Never bathe with a generator while it is running.

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT

One final note: If we do lose power, the traffic signals will be out.
That's why it's so important to remember:

TIP 3: KNOW THE CORRECT PROCEDURE FOR A FOUR-WAY STOP.

What do I mean by ''the correct procedure for a four-way stop?'' I
mean: Get out of my way.


--
"Science is the record of dead religions." -- Oscar Wilde

"There are no absolute certainties in this universe. A man must try to
whip order into a yelping pack of probabilities, and uniform success is
impossible." -- Jack Vance

"Civilization is the interval between Ice Ages." -- Will Durant.

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography" -- Ambrose Bierce

"Progress is the increasing control of the environment by life.
--Will Durant

Joseph R. Darancette
daranc@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Funny stuff, I like it. You should have a beer with me and Captain
America sometime. Any chance you live in the glorious southwest?

40 miles east of Los Angeles. Is that the South West? I was born in
Phoenix.


Yeah I would call that the SW. But, me and Captain America live a
couple states over, to the east.
Actually I was thinking of moving to LA in the next couple years.
I'm a designer and a musician. Is LA really shitty or is it really
cool? ;) BTW, I'm used to large scale cities (Honolulu, Manila).


--
"Science is the record of dead religions." -- Oscar Wilde

"There are no absolute certainties in this universe. A man must try to
whip order into a yelping pack of probabilities, and uniform success is
impossible." -- Jack Vance

"Civilization is the interval between Ice Ages." -- Will Durant.

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography" -- Ambrose Bierce

"Progress is the increasing control of the environment by life.
--Will Durant

Joseph R. Darancette
daranc@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

.

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