Re: Broken Down
- From: "Carol J" <haveaniceday@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2006 20:33:29 -0600
I know you are probably at the hospital by now, Janey, at least I hope you
are. However if I was having the issues you are I would just explain to
your DH that this is your way of coping and that you'd appreciate it he'd
support you in this. When we hurt or don't understand what is happening to
us, we cope in whatever way gets us thru the day. He just needs to
understand that you really need him to help you get thru this. I know it's
hard for him but I know you really need his support.
Carol J
"Janey Pooh" <janepooh@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1154430364.209336.253360@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Last night I totally broke down.
Effective today it will officially be one month since I ate any real
solid food - since I had ANY meat or fresh vegetables or any dairy
except yoghurt. Or any dense carbohydrates, except in liquid form
(Boost or Ensure) or high fibre foods.
I have been exisitng on a diet of totally blended foods, with most of
my protein and vitamins and minerals coming from liquid meal
supplements.
And my belly is HUGE again. I'm not passing anything but very small
amounts of totally liquid mush - like a tablespoon or two a day. I
measured it last night and it measured 43" at it's biggest. A month
and a half ago I was measured for a pair of pants I want to have made,
and my waist measured 36". That was my Waist - right at my belly
button, not my mid-section or upper rib area, which has always been
SMALLER than my Buddha Belly area. ;o)
So - my stomach, at about three inches above my belly button, is at
LEAST seven inches bigger around than it was a month and a half ago.
It's a really specific BULGE with hard, tight, full muscles on either
side of it.
I've been trying to keep my spirits up by listening to music I like,
talking to friends on the internet, and kinda joking about the girth
and pain of my belly. It's a very obvious BULGE that really *does*
look like I'm pregnant, so naming it 'n stuff makes it easier to
handle, I guess. Like my pharmacist said yesterday, "You kinda HAVE TO
joke about it, smile and laugh about it, if rather sarcastically. A
lot of people couldn't have handled it as well as you have so far,
Jane. Many of us would be completely bonkers by now."
I'm getting there. :o( Yesterday a gal at the grocery store was
picking my brain for more info on it and I wasn't saying much. She
said, "Well, don't give up. I've been there and I know it's hard."
Don't give UP???? Of *course* I'm not going to GIVE UP! What would I
give up? Eating or drinking anything altogether? My LIFE? That's
about all I have left. I'm NOT giving up. But I'm getting weak and
tired and weepy and sick of it all.
Then last night Clancy seemed mad at me so I told him I was sorry if my
belly dominated the conversation or whatever - it's just that it hurts
all the time and I want to EAT so bad, but I know I can't. He told me
it wasn't the topic that upset him - he just wished I wouldn't, like,
NAME it and joke about it and make light about it all the time. It
bothered him.
(The new name is BUBBINS, btw. LOL)
Wellllllll . . . I burst out in tears and cried for an hour. I just
totally MELTED. I felt like he took away my only defense against
totally letting this thing drive me to the nuthouse - being able to
joke about it. Then later my mind went - I totally lost control of my
speech patterns and couldn't talk right AT ALL. I tried to stay awake
and communicate with them 'n stuff, but I went completely 'wonko' last
night. Total Aphasia, walking like a drunk, hallucinating and talking
to no one (in gibberish) . . . I slept on the couch cuz I couldn't make
it up the stairs, even with help.
My next Dr. appt. isn't until the 9th of August. My psychologist is
out of town until the 12th. I think I might phone the psych office and
tell them I have a new physical ailment that's been going on a long
time and is making me REALLY stressed and down and could I see someone
to just let it all out, talk about it, maybe meditate a bit together or
something.
I need some support from someone who's not worried sick about me cuz I
have no energy left to be supportive to HIM in his need for reassurance
that his wife's gonna be okay.
And I feel more Broken Down by this than I have by anything in a long
time. Just as I start getting my MIND back, my body self-destructs,
which is now causing me to lose my mind again too.
I'm a lonely little Petunia in an Onion patch, an onion patch, an onion
patch
I'm a lonely little Petunia in an Onion patch - and all I do is cry all
day
Boo Hoo Boo Hoo - it hurts so much I don't know what to do
(or the rest of the words to that song, so . . . )
Take GOOD Care,
Jane
.
- References:
- Broken Down
- From: Janey Pooh
- Broken Down
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