Re: So Y'all Know What's Going On...


Janey Pooh wrote:
<gonna snip parts 'n write between your lines, 'kay Cat?

Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe wrote:

Chewy's doing *much* better since our date on Saturday. He's
communicating with me and with the kids much more calmly. There was
something in our conversations that clicked. Add to that the absolute
FUN we had playing each other on the Ms. PacMan arcade game, followed
by watching The DaVinci Code, and you have a wonderful date the likes
of which we've never had in all our [nearly] 7 years together.

I'm so glad to hear this. Sometimes that's all it takes, y'now - some
COMMUNICATION. If it takes PacMan to get you two to communicate, sell
a couple goats and buy a used PacMan game and stick it in the barn.
Whenever you're fighting you can challenge him to a game. LOL



LOL... I've kinda thought about that. Actually, if we can talk YS into
switching bedrooms and taking the "guest room" at the end of the hall,
then I can convert the room he's in now, which is next to our bedroom,
into office/sitting room for Chewy and me. We're talking about maybe
turning the front room into a solarium/library. Right now, that's
where all the computers, etc are (except my laptop). It'll just take a
little tweaking, and the kids working with us on it. The Ms. PacMan
could go in the office/sitting room. (And I wouldn't have to worry
about, uhm, disturbing any of the kiddos at night, IYKWIM.)


She's actually getting along well with the rest of us,
considering how much she's worrying about this. She asked if we could
go see our PA today, and when we did, he told her that this is
something out of his area of expertise. Tomorrow, he's going to make
some calls to see where to refer her. Of course, that worried her
more.

It should worry her LESS, cuz the PA recognizes that she needs help and
he's helping her to get it. If she's worried about being the next
"Beautiful Mind", there are *positives* to that, if that beautiful mind
can be channeled and challenged enough and properly. Many *Beautiful
Minds* in this world are doin' just fine. Many in the past did amazing
things.



Thanks. She got up this morning and came to me with a very mature
decision. She wants to give us all her knives, and she wants to get a
bladeless razor for shaving. She's not ever tried cutting herself, but
she wants to remove any possible temptations. We'd not even mentioned
it to her at all, so this is totally something she's decided on her
own. Makes me wonder just what's been going through her head. I'm
very proud of her for taking so much responsibility for keeping herself
safe until she feels healthy again.


I went to a special school for three years, Cat - separated from
"average society" all that time. Every day we had it drilled into us
that we were the Beautiful Minds of tomorrow and that we needed to live
up to that. When given the choice of which path to take when I fiished
at that school, my choice was to run from the pressure as fast as my
legs could take me. I went to a "mainstream" high school to get away
from being "the top 2% of society". I hated it.

My son decided he didn't want to be "flagged". They tested him and
recommended special classes 'n stuff (G.A.T.E. Program - for Gifted and
Talented Education), along with "learning therapies" to help him "fit
in better". He chose to "dumb himself down" - wore sloppy clothes to
school (I remember a wek he wore his bedroom slippers to school LOL),
purposely didn't take any notes in class, skipped school etc. When he
got *interested* in a topic he'd put his all into it. He LOVES
Calculus, for instance, and would sit in his room for hours writing
incredibly long and involved number problems. then he'd come to us
with this four-page problem and ask us to answer it. LOL No bloody
way!! I couldn't understand the first LINE.


I went to a tiny school, 44 in my graduating class. We had less than a
dozen in our GT program. It was actually an extra high school class
for us. We got to do projects, like building a model of the Globe
theatre and things like that. That was one of the few places where I
fit in. Of course, the school also created an extra science class for
those of us who'd taken all the science they had and wanted more.

I try to incorporate things I remember from that GT class into our
homeschooling. Which reminds me, I need to find a copy of Pygmalian
(sp??). I need to finish putting together the summer reading list for
YS and YD. It's coming primarily from the list of the 100 most banned
books. If books threaten people so much they need to be banned, there
*must* be something good about them.



We've not heard from OS this week. Chewy and I saw him for a couple of
minutes on Saturday. We swung into the Chicken Express to get some
sweet tea, and he was coming out. We talked for about two minutes
before he started walking to go see his girlfriend. That's all we've
seen him in over a week.

When birds leave the nest, sometimes the young cocks need to roam a
little further and set up their own territories - to feel more like men
they need to separate from their mommies and daddies. Otherwise
they'll always feel like fledglings.


It wouldn't worry me so much, *IF* he didn't have the same sorts of
issues as Chewy and YD, only worse because he refuses to deal with
them. If he was at a place where he was taking care of himself,
physically and mentally, then I could rest *much* more easily and just
feel that his seperating himself is just him finding his own way.


I'm still falling asleep every time I take my meds.

Have you tried a scheduled nap during the day? I was 'nodding off' all
the time 'til I admitted to myself that I NEED some sleep in the midday
and decided to allow myself to take a nap every single day. I get
things done in the morning, have my nap, then get more done in the
afternoon and evening. Otherwise, I'm nodding off all day.


I'd already decided I needed to go back to having an afternoon nap,
before I got my meds. Now I'm just trying to find a time when I'm not
passed out from the meds. This morning, I took it upon myself to cut
my buspar and my soma each in half. I'm still feeling a little groggy
from them, but they've not got me flat on my back. Once my head
clears, YD and I will go into town to see what the PA figured out.


Someone posted to me in the step-parenting group, "I just wonder why
it's **always** you who needs to cut her needed meds to rally to the
call. No one else is expected to put aside his issues
or needs or health. Only you. "

I take umbrage with this statement. I think that in every loving
family, every person puts in and takes out. You and Chewy are a team
and together you put in 100%. That does NOT mean that you should each
be expected to put in 50% all the time. Sometimes YOU put in 80% to
help him when he's in need. Sometimes he puts in 80% to help you when
you're in need. Life in marriage is never *even*.

I took 90% almost every day last year. Clancy and Dylan gave it
willingly - they put in what they had to and took only 10%. You know
I'm talking about emotional 'stuff' as well as chores 'n things, right?
When I got REALLY sick, there was no question that *I* came first and
anything else that needed to get done would have to take second place
on the priority list. They didn't want to lose me.


:-) That's why I post here. I post to the step-parents group because
that's where you get the hard-hitting advice on blended family issues.
I post here because everyone here knows what it's like to work illness
into the equation. That, and y'all give me the comfy-cuddly stuff I
need. {{{Janey}}}



How am I supposed to respond to something like that?

<snipped>

I've got a kid who's worried that she's the next "Beautiful Mind," with
reason. How am I supposed to *not* put my issues aside in order to
help her deal with hers?

You're NOT. Of *course* you want to help your daughter with her very
serious concerns about herself. The two of you need to work
*together*, communicate together, help EACH OTHER with this issue. It
didn't come from nowhere. I think you need some one-on-one time with
your YD, just the two of you with no disctractions such as science
tests (I HATE BEING TESTED!!!) and baby lambs. Go to a motel for one
night together and just TALK. <JMO>


We seem to be to a point where Thursday and Friday mornings are ours.
It's way more relaxed than our time alone used to be. Right now, she's
online in the front room, and we're IM'ing back and forth on occasion.
Since she's got these issues with certain thoughts going through her
head, she's been helping a lot with sweeping, mopping, and things like
that the last few days. She's found that if she stays busy, she
doesn't have time to listen to those voices she doesn't want to hear.



I've got a husband who *wants* to be everything he thinks a husband is
supposed to be and gets mad at himself every time he thinks he's
failed. How am I supposed to not put aside my issues in order to help
him see just how wonderful a man and husband he truly is (when he's not
angry).

You're NOT. Of *course* you want your husband to believe he's a
wonderful man. My husband gets very down on himself when he does
something he thinks is stupid, or if he thinks he's failed. This
includes taking good care of his wife and son. So when his wife is
sick and there's othing he can do about it, he feels like a failure and
gets really depressed. I've taken him to the psych with me a few times
and this is basically what came out. I need to assure him that my
illness isn't his *fault* and that he DOES help me - when he shows he
cares about me.


Don't you just hate it when they start feeling like everything is their
fault?

Chewy's starting to learn that the best way he can help me is to stop
feeling guilty and getting angry at himself for things that he can't
help. And to stop feeling guilty and getting angry at himself when he
makes mistakes. I keep telling him and the kids, "I don't want you to
feel guilty for mistakes you make. Just learn from it and do better
next time." I think it's starting to sink in.



I've got a kid who's been here for me his entire life, being the strong
one when I've not been able to be. Now that he's 16 and struggling to
find his place in all this, how am I supposed to not set aside my needs
when he needs me?

You're NOT. Tell him you love him. Tell him he's been the most
wonderfully supportive person in your life and thank him for it. He
deserves it. Hug him. Tell him you'll be around forever and whenever
he needs you, you'll be there. Because you know you will. ;o)


:-) He's the one who took care of me when I was sick from an infected
gall bladder. We didn't know why I was sick. I'd be exhausted when
I'd get home from work, so I'd collapse on the couch. He'd check in
with me, then go play or do his homework. Then he'd make dinner or
we'd order in. When it was time for bed, he'd prompt me to go to bed,
then he'd make sure all the doors and windows were locked and he'd go
to bed.

It was just the two of us. He took really good care of me then.

It was during the last couple of months before his 7th birthday.



And I've got a kid who avoids the family for all he's worth, afraid to
get too close, wanting to make all the same mistakes Chewy made. Those
few times he decides to talk to me about what's going on with him, how
can I not set aside my own needs in order to be there for him?

You HAVE to set aside your own needs for a little while for him when he
wants to get close to you. Some father/son relationships are really
hard and the son runs from the *idea* of being like his dad was. Tell
him he doesn't have to be like his dad was, he can choose whatever path
he wants in life. His dad will always love him and so will you. If he
does something Chewy REALLY disapproves of, he'll come around in time.
We ALL become adults eventually, and we (hopefully) ALL make adult
decisions about our families once we see them with an adult's eye.


He's the one who's drained so much of my energy over the years. He's
MUCH better now than he was 7 years ago, but he's still not healthy
enough for me to rest easy. But he's also 18yo and out on his own.
There's nothing I can do to help him, unless he asks.


<sigh> How are we supposed to stop being there for our family when
they need us?

We're NOT. If we stop at least TRYING to be there for our loved ones
when they need us, we lose a piece of ourselves, don't we? Part of us
NEEDS to be there. We are *important* in these families. If we lose
that part of us, we lose a little of our soul <IMO>. So we can only
put in 10% this week or this month or this YEAR - that 10% is still
important. And if we use some of our percentage to help *ouselves* get
better, we can soon contribute far more of "our share".

Some day someone ELSE in your family may require 90%. Mine both have
at times. Clancy nearly died from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and
Dylan's liver shut down when he had Chicken Pox - he got Chicken Pox
Hepatitis. They both needed me to be there FULL ON when that happened
and I *WAS*. There have been other times as well.

I could have responded to this post with one sentence:

A GOOD marriage is never 50/50.

Instead I wrote on and on and on and babbled away all my middle of the
night omputer time (LOL) and now I'm going back to bed. I'll try to
read and reply to more posts in the morning. Night All. ;o) And
Hugs to you {{{{{{{{{KITTEN}}}}}}}}}. You have a good family and a
soid marriage and I think you're gonna make it. We had some rocky
times, believe me, and we've lived together 26 years now.


Thank you for everything you wrote, Janey. I know it took a lot of
effort for you. I much appreciate it, and it's just the support I need
right now.



You need more dates. ;o)


We're going to a free concert tomorrow night. Dunno what we're doin
about dinner, since we're broke again. LOL... as always. Some day,
we're going to manage to pay off the farm, take care of the animals,
and have a bit of money for us, too. Some day. LOL


Love ya!

Kitten

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