Re: Mommy Dearest

I was dealing with this situation with my brother. I haven't talked nor
written or had any exchange with him since July and it feels so much better.
I know I will have to deal with him in future but my husband is ready to
intervene. This is why I had gone to counseling a few months ago. He's
emotionally and verbally abusive and he doesn't even realize it. I don't
even think they are aware of what they are doing. If you were to ask them,
they would be totally clueless. It is a part of their brain wiring and will
never change. I tried to give my brother the benefit so many times only to
get hurt again. I finally stopped. I have no expectations of him and
therefore don't get hurt anymore. His loss..... I guess that is the best
attitude for everybody to take who is having problems with a family member.
You really don't need them.... you have just convinced yourself through a
lifetime of conditioning that you are suppose to care about them cuz they
are family. "F" them I say!!!

Nettie

"Squirrely" <squirrely@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:11kcud0660clfe3@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> Janey and Char and others that had this situation.
> I feel for you. I can't say I know exactly what you went thru. Mine was
my
> dad. My mom was great till she died when I was 17.
>
> My dad did alot of the same things you are saying your moms are doing. I
had
> to tell him to take a flying leap. I was not happy about that, but there
is
> only so much you can take. I still loved him. But could not deal with
his
> verbal abuse. You know that is what that is don't you. You don't need to
be
> a victim. I know it will be hard. But sometimes that is what we have to
do.
> We have to break the tie so we don't go crazy.
>
> Janey you especially don't need that not with the condition you are in
now.
> But it will take you to get to the point that you can deal with it.
> I know it is hard to think of shutting someone out, but it is better
than
> dealing with the abuse all the time.
>
> My father died with us not talking. I wish we could have had the chance
to
> mend and fix the relationship. But he didn't change. He tried calling me
a
> couple of times. I would take his call. See he didn't change any and
tell
> him not to call me anymore. Then a year or so would go by and he would
try
> again. I still don't like that he died without me being able to say I
still
> loved him but it doesn't have a hold on me anymore.
>
> Each one of us have to do what we feel is best and what we feel we can
deal
> with. I will be praying that something work out and things change so you
can
> deal with it, or it stops altogether.
>
>
> --
> Love and hugs to all
> Good thoughts coming your way too.
>
> Squirrely Jo
>
>> Dear Diary,
>>
>> How come no matter how old I get, how many times I've dealt with this
>> before, and whatever else is going on in my life - my Mother still
>> presses my buttons and drives me NUTS in under three minutes?
>>
>> She phoned last night. I was cooking dinner. I knew it was coming,
>> cuz she just got back from her month in Australia. I don't know if I
>> can even adequately describe the phone conversation and what happened,
>> but I know I need to try. It's been driving me to distraction ever
>> since and that's not good for me.
>>
>> At it's most basic, what happened was - she left here and left a whole
>> shi*load of problems behind and when she got back, she discovered all
>> those problems are still here, only worse in some cases, and she needed
>> to lay it all off on me, for some reason. She does this - she calls
>> and asks how I am, then doesn't give me time to say anything but "Oh,
>> okay . . . " before she breaks in with her whole litany of problems and
>> everyone else's problems and tries to lay the blame or guilt on me, for
>> some reason.
>>
>> She plays passive aggressive games of "Please feel sorry for me", then
>> refuses to give ME time to say, "I do feel sorry for you, but you have
>> to understand I have my own stuff going on."
>>
>> I wish she'd phoned and said, "My trip went great. I'm coming to see
>> your father tomorrow. Can I pick you up and we'll all go for lunch?"
>>
>> Instead, she basically said, "My trip was great, but now my legs are so
>> swollen I can't walk and your father's VERY upset that he's not coming
>> home. I didn't tell him til yesterday. He needs someone to visit him
>> and help him cope with the fact that I'm leaving him in the Old Folk's
>> Home. I'm not going to see him much for the next 20 days, then I'm
>> moving him to a home in Lethbridge. I need surgery for this and that
>> and I'm supposed to keep my feet up and I have a headache and I . . .
>> Oh, how are you?"
>>
>> I said, "Well, it hasn't been great lately, but I think things are
>> improv . . . "
>>
>> "Oh, that's nice. I need to go grocery shopping because I've been away
>> and I, and I, and I and so on. I wish I could help you, but I can't,
>> because I, and I, and I."
>>
>> I got time to say, "Today was my first day home alone since May." "Oh,
>> how'd that go?" "Not bad - in and out. I had little bursts of energy
>> and got up and did things, like a load of dishes, and then . . . "
>>
>> and she burst into my sentence to say,
>>
>> "And then bursts of feeling sorry for yourself?"
>>
>> <Jane replies in a plaintive, tired voice, already agitated by this
>> conversation and wishing she'd never picked up the phone>
>>
>> "No, Mom. It's not about Feeling Sorry For Myself. It's about not
>> being able to STAND UP. It's about a dizzy, light-headed feeling that
>> makes me want to puke and cry. It's about Brain Damage."
>>
>> "I know, darling." Condescending #%%&^*&*$#
>>
>> She kept on, just telling me about how rotten her life is and not
>> letting me get a word in edgewise. I told her our other car exploded,
>> so now now we have no transportation and it's hard to get out there
>> much (to the nursing home). Clancy rides his bike to work. Dylan
>> walks."
>>
>> "I wish I could help you and be supportive, but I can't, Jane."
>>
>> "Ditto, Mom."
>>
>> I was in tears and she totally wasn't sensing that I needed the
>> conversation to end and I was trying to just say, "I'll help you when I
>> can, Mom."
>>
>> Clancy grabbed the phone out of my hand and said, "_______ (name
>> deleted), we're having a pretty rough time around here right now and
>> Jane doesn't need you making it worse by laying guilt trips on her."
>>
>> He listened (told me later she was saying he'd always had a grudge
>> against her and raggin' on him 'n stuff) and suddenly just HUNG UP the
>> phone.
>>
>> Loudon Wainwright III has a song with a line in it:
>> "Yeah, sometimes it BOMBS between daughters and Moms"
>>
>> and that sure is true with me. I think she doesn't want to spend time
>> out here with her husband and help him at one of his lowest points in
>> his life, and instead she wants to go to the Casino. So she's trying
>> to get ME to go be his shoulder to cry on.
>>
>> My shoulders can't take it right now - I have HUGE problems of my own
>> and I'm trying to deal with them on my own because my Mother won't,
>> can't, isn't helping me at all and my husband's mother isn't either and
>> I'm just trying to hold it together and move along and take the steps I
>> can to get better. Going to the grocery store on my own is something I
>> have to figure out how to do still. I can't add MORE horrible,
>> stressful tasks to my life at the moment.
>>
>> I've tried SO MANY TIMES in my life to be helpful, loving, caring and
>> supportive to my Mother and every single time has ended with her
>> telling me it wasn't NEARLY enough - that I don't love her, never have,
>> and never will. She literally screamed that in my face WHILE visiting
>> me once. She also told me she thought it was best if we never saw each
>> other again - two days after I discovered I had a Brain Aneurysm.
>>
>> I was a tad upset last night, as you might imagine. ;o)
>>
>> Clancy says she's bad Karma and it even comes through the phone. Dylan
>> (her GRANDSON) says she's like evil voodoo and he wishes he had a
>> voodoo doll. She's never given him a birthday present. She never
>> babysat ONCE. He refuses to call her Grandma.
>>
>> This woman GETS TO ME!! ALL OF US!
>>
>> 'Kay, another rant over. I got out some of what was on my mind. Sorry
>> if it's really heavy.
>>
>> Take GOOD Care,
>>
>> Jane
>>
>
>


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