Re: Mommy Dearest

Janey and Char and others that had this situation.
I feel for you. I can't say I know exactly what you went thru. Mine was my
dad. My mom was great till she died when I was 17.

My dad did alot of the same things you are saying your moms are doing. I had
to tell him to take a flying leap. I was not happy about that, but there is
only so much you can take. I still loved him. But could not deal with his
verbal abuse. You know that is what that is don't you. You don't need to be
a victim. I know it will be hard. But sometimes that is what we have to do.
We have to break the tie so we don't go crazy.

Janey you especially don't need that not with the condition you are in now.
But it will take you to get to the point that you can deal with it.
I know it is hard to think of shutting someone out, but it is better than
dealing with the abuse all the time.

My father died with us not talking. I wish we could have had the chance to
mend and fix the relationship. But he didn't change. He tried calling me a
couple of times. I would take his call. See he didn't change any and tell
him not to call me anymore. Then a year or so would go by and he would try
again. I still don't like that he died without me being able to say I still
loved him but it doesn't have a hold on me anymore.

Each one of us have to do what we feel is best and what we feel we can deal
with. I will be praying that something work out and things change so you can
deal with it, or it stops altogether.


--
Love and hugs to all
Good thoughts coming your way too.

Squirrely Jo

> Dear Diary,
>
> How come no matter how old I get, how many times I've dealt with this
> before, and whatever else is going on in my life - my Mother still
> presses my buttons and drives me NUTS in under three minutes?
>
> She phoned last night. I was cooking dinner. I knew it was coming,
> cuz she just got back from her month in Australia. I don't know if I
> can even adequately describe the phone conversation and what happened,
> but I know I need to try. It's been driving me to distraction ever
> since and that's not good for me.
>
> At it's most basic, what happened was - she left here and left a whole
> shi*load of problems behind and when she got back, she discovered all
> those problems are still here, only worse in some cases, and she needed
> to lay it all off on me, for some reason. She does this - she calls
> and asks how I am, then doesn't give me time to say anything but "Oh,
> okay . . . " before she breaks in with her whole litany of problems and
> everyone else's problems and tries to lay the blame or guilt on me, for
> some reason.
>
> She plays passive aggressive games of "Please feel sorry for me", then
> refuses to give ME time to say, "I do feel sorry for you, but you have
> to understand I have my own stuff going on."
>
> I wish she'd phoned and said, "My trip went great. I'm coming to see
> your father tomorrow. Can I pick you up and we'll all go for lunch?"
>
> Instead, she basically said, "My trip was great, but now my legs are so
> swollen I can't walk and your father's VERY upset that he's not coming
> home. I didn't tell him til yesterday. He needs someone to visit him
> and help him cope with the fact that I'm leaving him in the Old Folk's
> Home. I'm not going to see him much for the next 20 days, then I'm
> moving him to a home in Lethbridge. I need surgery for this and that
> and I'm supposed to keep my feet up and I have a headache and I . . .
> Oh, how are you?"
>
> I said, "Well, it hasn't been great lately, but I think things are
> improv . . . "
>
> "Oh, that's nice. I need to go grocery shopping because I've been away
> and I, and I, and I and so on. I wish I could help you, but I can't,
> because I, and I, and I."
>
> I got time to say, "Today was my first day home alone since May." "Oh,
> how'd that go?" "Not bad - in and out. I had little bursts of energy
> and got up and did things, like a load of dishes, and then . . . "
>
> and she burst into my sentence to say,
>
> "And then bursts of feeling sorry for yourself?"
>
> <Jane replies in a plaintive, tired voice, already agitated by this
> conversation and wishing she'd never picked up the phone>
>
> "No, Mom. It's not about Feeling Sorry For Myself. It's about not
> being able to STAND UP. It's about a dizzy, light-headed feeling that
> makes me want to puke and cry. It's about Brain Damage."
>
> "I know, darling." Condescending #%%&^*&*$#
>
> She kept on, just telling me about how rotten her life is and not
> letting me get a word in edgewise. I told her our other car exploded,
> so now now we have no transportation and it's hard to get out there
> much (to the nursing home). Clancy rides his bike to work. Dylan
> walks."
>
> "I wish I could help you and be supportive, but I can't, Jane."
>
> "Ditto, Mom."
>
> I was in tears and she totally wasn't sensing that I needed the
> conversation to end and I was trying to just say, "I'll help you when I
> can, Mom."
>
> Clancy grabbed the phone out of my hand and said, "_______ (name
> deleted), we're having a pretty rough time around here right now and
> Jane doesn't need you making it worse by laying guilt trips on her."
>
> He listened (told me later she was saying he'd always had a grudge
> against her and raggin' on him 'n stuff) and suddenly just HUNG UP the
> phone.
>
> Loudon Wainwright III has a song with a line in it:
> "Yeah, sometimes it BOMBS between daughters and Moms"
>
> and that sure is true with me. I think she doesn't want to spend time
> out here with her husband and help him at one of his lowest points in
> his life, and instead she wants to go to the Casino. So she's trying
> to get ME to go be his shoulder to cry on.
>
> My shoulders can't take it right now - I have HUGE problems of my own
> and I'm trying to deal with them on my own because my Mother won't,
> can't, isn't helping me at all and my husband's mother isn't either and
> I'm just trying to hold it together and move along and take the steps I
> can to get better. Going to the grocery store on my own is something I
> have to figure out how to do still. I can't add MORE horrible,
> stressful tasks to my life at the moment.
>
> I've tried SO MANY TIMES in my life to be helpful, loving, caring and
> supportive to my Mother and every single time has ended with her
> telling me it wasn't NEARLY enough - that I don't love her, never have,
> and never will. She literally screamed that in my face WHILE visiting
> me once. She also told me she thought it was best if we never saw each
> other again - two days after I discovered I had a Brain Aneurysm.
>
> I was a tad upset last night, as you might imagine. ;o)
>
> Clancy says she's bad Karma and it even comes through the phone. Dylan
> (her GRANDSON) says she's like evil voodoo and he wishes he had a
> voodoo doll. She's never given him a birthday present. She never
> babysat ONCE. He refuses to call her Grandma.
>
> This woman GETS TO ME!! ALL OF US!
>
> 'Kay, another rant over. I got out some of what was on my mind. Sorry
> if it's really heavy.
>
> Take GOOD Care,
>
> Jane
>


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