Re: My Dining Room Table Pt II

js <nothing AT nothing DOT com> wrote:
Read the first part? Good.

OK, let's fast forward bout 18 months...

This goddamn table has been mocking me. Every time I look at it I get
pissed off.It's not even the ugliness, as much as it is the fact that
I was steamrolled into trading a Toyota Corolla for a Yugo. I was
gonna polish this tured until it shone like the sun...

I'd wanted to begin, but I either didn't have the time, and/or
couldn't find a non-musician to help me lift the glass top (I'm not
about to chance ending anyone's career over a table)

Finally in December, we put in some hardwood floors (thanks to the
feral cats shitting/pissing/puking on the carpet). The company we
contracted actually moved our furniture for us, so I had them leave
the top off the table.

I figure January will be slow gigwise; a couple weeks of sanding and
refinishing, and we'll have a new table by Feb, easily.


So I try the Kutzit again on one of the sides, figuring the flat will
soak up more juice. Same thing as before.

What DID work was some heavy duty, low grit floor sander paper - only
I couldn't use an electric sander, as it rounded everything off. So
it was basically stripped with various homemade sanding blocks, by
hand. Tedious, but I used to sand for a living, so it wasn't all
bad. Thus, every spare minute in Jan is spent sanding.


As I'm going along, notice these little angle brackets between the
legs and the table sides. They were so small that they looked
ornamental. As I go to remove them, the tiny 1/2" x #4 screws either
break off in the wood, or come out twisted - as if someone had just
crammed them in there with a hand drill. Definitely not stock...

Once these were off, I start stripping the legs. I'm steadying the
first leg with one hand, and sanding with the other. 10 seconds in,
the fucking leg COMES OFF IN MY HAND - as do the other 3 legs. Jesus.

Now I strip the legs separately, and figure out how to reattach them.
It was at this point that I discovered the horrible reality of the
situation:

These legs were deliberately SAWED off what had been an decent quality
table, then reattached later using ONLY 1/4" dowels sunk like 1/2"
in, the aforementioned angle brackets and...BONDO! Yes, Bondo was a
structural element used to fill in the huge "V" notch they cut into
each leg with...using a Chainsaw perhaps? Then it was all simply
painted over.

Well, I'd come this far so why stop now?

Jan becomes Feb. We're eating meals on TV trays. I finish stripping
the table. Looks to be solid red oak with walnut legs, nice
ornamentation, itwas proably painted originally, but the grain is is
an A quality - so it's not totally in vain. My plan is to dowel the
legs w/1" hardwood sunk about 1 1/2" deep each way, glue with Gorilla
Glue, and then add some heavy duty angle brackets, and some
decorative structural support on the front..

Spent about a week measuring and trying to figure out how the *** to
get these parts into my drill press and make a clean hole. Spent
another 2 weeks doweling and trying to get the legs not to slip off
while drying. I discovered then that the jack asses didn't cut the
legs evenly, so they tended to slip out when the glue expanded. With
lots of trial and error, I got them to clamp...except for one...


I also discovered something else: In addition to cutting the legs
off, they cut the TABLETOP off, and slapped the glass on there for
that "Miami Vice" look, I guess. The frame is racking something
fierce, and needs to be supported on the inside as there is NOTHING
but the weight of the glass keeping it stable.


So here's what we have: A decent quality hardwood table, like you
might get from a better home store. The legs have been sawed off and
reattached with light weight dowels and useless angle brackets, and
held together with Bondo. The structural table top has been sawed off
and rep,aced with a 100lb glass top - with NO other structural
support. How this thing did not collapse while we were eating one
night is beyond me.

As with Iraq - when you're this far into a disaster, you have two
options: Cut and run, or trudge forward and hope that your actions
will turn things around. I chose the latter.

I try gluing the uncooperative leg 3-4 times with various strategies,
fill in the gap with wood chips and Gorilla Glue, then finally secure
it with heavy angle brackets and screws. It seems to work. The end is
in sight...

I stain the table with walnut tinted Danish Oil to get the two woods
closer to matching, then wipe on satin poly. For once there are no
problems. Looks so nice I'd swear it was almost worth it.

The big day comes when it's ready to go inside. I take it off the
drying blocks, set it upright, and...right away, the SAME fucking leg
bends out cockeyed, as if nothing is holding it, as the table starts
to fall over. I grab the leg and it comes off in my hand - even
though it's held on by #8 screws going through the entire length of
the leg. I went fucking crazy, and promptly threw the entire table
against my garage wall and started kicking it. I was DONE. None of
the other legs broke off during that fracas, interestingly enough.


I told the wife to start table shopping because I was done with that
piece of ***. Then of course, as I let my defeat fester, it became
Me vs. The Leg...

Eventually, I looked at the join for the 100th time, filed both
surfaces clean and straight. Then I glued them and drove long heavy
screws into the leg itself. Better, but not great..

Next, I tried the anchor bolt/threaded insert combo. No dice.

I then realized that the end grain on this piece was too soft and not
gripping anything.

So I came up with my final idea: I Carved out the whole top of the
leg, leaving only a thin strip of facing - much like a neck pocket.
I'll take a 2x2 piece of Oak and glue it in the void, crossgrain.
I'll dowel it on 2 sides, all the way through vertically. The anchor
bolt should hold this piece now, and I'll reinforce it with these
HUGE concrete spikes I picked up. I'll glue the whole thing down and
finish. Overkill? You bet.


I already did the carving last night. Took me 2 hours. I had to do it
by hand because there are too many broken screws in the leg to use a
router, and I like living. Carving perfect right angles by hand is a
bitch, let me tell you.

If this doesn't work, then I'm done. I swear. Really. I mean it.


So that's where I am now. If you've made it this far - yeah, I'm
fucking insane. But there comes a point where it's a battle of wills,
and I'm not about to let a table win.

There was another thread in which stereotypes were brought up relating
to musicians.

If this topic doesn't typify bass-player stubbornness, I don't know what
does.

Being primarily a guitarist, I would have long ago pulled a stunt like
"sorry honey, I left the front door open, and when I wasn't looking
someone came in and stole the table", and had a nice hardwood fire
roaring in the fireplace that evening.


.

Loading