Re: OT From My Inbox - Tools

On Jul 31, 5:00 am, Rich Koerner <ri...@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "***!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race
out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic
jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder
than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel
lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night.
Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of
Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them
off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

So there you have it: a complete description of the tools all men need, and occasionally use
correctly.

Nice! Straight to the printer that one goes.
Now....how 'bout a guitar shop specific version?

Here....I'll get it started.....

Slip Joint Pliers: Primarily used for mashing up threaded tuner
bushing heads.

WD40: Used for lubricating Kluson style tuners (and the wood they're
secured to).

Super glue: Used for gluing nuts in the wrong position.

Phillips screwdriver: Used for rounding out rusted pickguard screws,
also handy for stripping out bolt on neck threads.

Contact cleaner spray: Used for freezing up pots.

Speaker with large magnet: Useful for demagnetizing alnico pickups,
also handy for erasing the magnetically imprinted data on that little
strip on your credit cards.

Carry on....


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