Re: Two lovely rants

So draw your own conclusions.
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A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either
of her desires.
Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with
me, she said 'no'.
Woody Allen

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into
action immediately: They rent out my room.
Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so
hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.
Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama
is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a
bit like meringue.
Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an
Armenian.
Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly
developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in
the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately,
it's the government.
Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of
underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do
is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my
crib.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve
it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally
disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two
guys.
Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then
go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty
minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked
this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had
smallpox.
Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded.
Dead.
Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be
beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a
member.
Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his
deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my
job.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not
doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it
into television shows.
Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into
TV shows.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
a tune.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good
ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours
much more.
Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
a tune.
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over
much too soon.
Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty interesting questions.
Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has
more fun.
Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't
have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was
mugged by a quaker.
Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as
easily lying down .
Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year
and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make
it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody Allen

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic.
Woody Allen

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes,
sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as
meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go
it's one of the best.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,'
but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Woody Allen

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G.
Robinson.
Woody Allen

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain
parts of New jersey.
Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it
alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep.
Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told
him only when it's done right.
Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an
evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food:
frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out
my room.
Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go
back.
Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make
you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

.

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