God Survey
- From: "Dagon" <invalid@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 12 May 2010 15:54:59 -0500
GodCo LLC, the universe's largest manufacturer of Gods, would like to thank
you for purchasing our product.
Your belief in our product is very important to us. To better serve your
needs, we ask that you take a few moments to complete the following customer
satisfaction survey. Completion of this survey qualifies you for entry into
a drawing for one free entry into Heaven.
Please note that your responses will be kept completely confidential. Please
do not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to
comments or suggestions.
1.How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Tabloid
__ Television
__ The Internet
__ Direct mail advertisement
__ Telephone solicitation
__ Word of mouth
__ Divine inspiration
__ Near death experience
__ Communist Manifesto
__ Burning shrubbery
__ Other (please specify): ___________________
2.Which model God did you purchase?
__ Yahweh
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Allah
__ Satan__ Gaia
__ God
__ Goa'uld System Lord
__ Father, Son, and Holy Ghost bundle
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3.Which free owner's manual did you choose, if any?
__ Bhagavad-Gita
__ Qur'an__ Torah
__ Bible
4.Did your God come to you with all parts in good working order and all
requested attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you encountered.
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5.What factors were relevant in your decision to purchase a God? Please
check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to anger my parents
__ Like organ music
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Need for certainty
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Dislike thinking for myself
__ Fear of murder by a missionary
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
6.Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes
__ No
If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ The almighty dollar
__ Left wing liberalism
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Barney, The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ Bill Clinton
__ A burning turnip
__ Other (please specify): ___________________
7.Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
your God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Tea leaves
__ Pyramids
__ Crystals
__ Dr. Laura Schlessinger
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Pat Robertson
__ Larry Flynt
__ Self-help books
__ Biorhythms
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
__ Human sacrifice
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning shrubbery
__ None
__ Other (please specify):____________________
8.Your God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a
balance between felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
9.Your God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 your God's handling of the
following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters Miracles
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5Floods
Famine
Earthquakes
War
Pestilence
Plagues
Locusts
Windows Vista1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5
1 2 3 4 5Rescues
Spontaneous remissions
Stars hovering over towns
Crying statues
Water changing to wine
Water walking
Talking flaming shrubbery
VCRs that set their own clocks
10.Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of Godco's products and services? (Please attach an additional sheet
if necessary.)
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Thank you for your participation in this survey.
For entry into our Free Entry into Heaven drawing, please
take this completed form to your nearest GodCo dealer today!
.
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