Mon. 9/24 Big Show Synopsis

Hey, how's it goin'? Here we go ...

*MONOLOGUE HIGHLIGHTS*
"Beautiful day here in New York City. Isn't it a gorgeous day? <<cheers>> [It's] so nice today, earlier in Central Park, I saw a rat doing tai chi."

"It is so nice in New York City today, migrating birds turned *back*."

"It's so nice today in New York City, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was barred from Ben & *Jerry's*."

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the UN, and also to ... recover some stolen sports memorabilia."

"And earlier today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University. Oh my gosh, ladies and gentlemen. There hasn't been this many angry, protesting students at a college since Ball State named a building after *me*."

"The great international mime Marcel Marceau passed away. Did you hear about this? <<'yeahs'>> Yeah, it was very sad, because, at the end, he tried to mime, 'Someone get me an ambulance,' and ... <<laughter; Dave does some 'miming'>> It was just ... <<laughter; applause; Dave laughs>> It was just too late."

*DESK CHAT HIGHLIGHTS*
Dave: "I have two things I'd like to talk about tonight. First of all, I knew it was going to happen when I had my son when I was 56, 57 years old. That's really too old. I mean, that's about the perfect age [to have] a grandkid." Dave says he "knew this kind of thing was going to sneak up on me and get me. It finally happened, on Sunday." What happened? Dave says the family was sitting around the table, when all of a sudden, Dave's son looked at him and asked, "Daddy, how old are you?" Dave says he looked at his son and said, "I'm 60." Dave's son's response? He looked over at Mommy and asked, "Mommy, is Daddy teasing?"

"But now, ladies and gentlemen," Dave says, changing topics. "Here's one of the great lessons of life that I just learned a few moments ago. And by God, not a minute too soon. And I hope I can pass this on to you, and you can use it in your own lives. Let's just say you're having a bad day. Things aren't going your way. You're feeling a little down. And ... why *wouldn't* you, the way the world is going right now? Am I *right*, ladies and gentlemen? <<applause>> And you're thinking, 'What will cheer me up? Drugs?' Well no, drugs won't. That's not the answer." The horn section is raising their hands. Dave reminds them that he said drugs are *not* the answer. Dave: "How about alcohol?" Again, members of the horn section have their hands raised. But no, Dave says alcohol isn't the answer either. Well, what *is* the answer to universal happiness? A heart-shaped potato. Dave explains that right before the show, a woman in the audience asked him if he'd ever seen a heart-shaped potato. She just happened to have one. Dave says ever since, it's seemed like Christmas morning in the Theater. Later, Dave shows us the potato -- the heart-shaped potato. The woman needs it back. She has to 'get it back to the museum.' Dave figures the world would be a better place if, figuratively, we gave everyone heart-shaped potatoes. Figuratively? Paul wonders why not *literally*. Dave says there probably aren't enough heart-shaped potatoes to go around. Paul says this *is* network *television*. Dave laughs; he says they'll see what they can do. Later, Dave says they sent someone out to look for heart-shaped potatoes. They came back with two potatoes. But they weren't heart shaped.

Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour de France title after testing positive for steroids. He appealed the decision, and last week he learned that he had lost the appeal. Well, he's here tonight. Floyd takes a ride through the Theater.

What do we hear tonight when Dave throws a blue card? 13 seconds of "Old Turkey Buzzard." The second time we hear it, it's accompanied by the majestic footage of an actual, soaring turkey buzzard. Beautiful. Haunting. Dave: "13 seconds of pure heaven."

There's a guy in the greenroom. His name is Jon Coombs. He's a student from New Albany, IN. What will he be doing tonight? He will see how many rubber bands he can fit around his head. His personal best: 63. He'll be attempting to break that number tonight. A little later, he goes for it. The result? Oh, so close. He doesn't break his own record, but he gets close. I believe he got six dozen rubber bands around his head. It looked pretty painful to me.

Before going to the break, we took a look at a couple of clips, including an excerpt from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's "60 Minutes" interview -- he said that President Bush has 'a very firm ass'; he also said "60 Minutes" correspondent Scott Pelley has a firm ass -- as well as a promo for CBS' season premieres. (<<shot of "How I Met Your Mother>> Voiceover: "Tonight, CBS has it all: the hilarious <<shot of "Two and a Half Men">>; the suspenseful <<shot of "CSI: Miami">>; and the bitterly disappointing." <<shot of Dave>>)

We also had an installment of 'Great Moments in Presidential Speeches.'

And after the break? We saw Dave in an actual, bona fide pre-tape. Excellent. (The 'Top Ten' intro got stuck on # 5. Dave stepped away and helped George Clarke fix 'the thing.' George sure did admire Dave's handiwork.) Excellent. Oh, I already said that.

*JAMIE FOXX*
The film is "The Kingdom."

*JIMMY SMITS*
Remember, all you need to know about this new show: sugar is the new oil. The show is "Cane." It premieres tonight (Tuesday) on CBS.

*WILL.I.AM*
The album is "Songs About Girls." I don't think Helen lasted very long before hitting the FF button. Maybe 10-15 seconds.

*MISCELLANEOUS MEANDERING*
There's a lot to talk about today, but I'm kind of tired. So I'm just gonna end this 'Synopsis' ... now.

Brady
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