Re: Let's Sort the US Presidents!
- From: "Barbi Satin" <jk2112@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2005 20:20:42 -0500
"John VanSickle" <evilsnack@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:Dfd9f.2333$2y.1833@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> While sitting around the hospital one day, I decided to sort the U.S.
> Presidents. Well, half of them. Before you read, set the following things
> firmly in mind:
>
> * Everything you read in the Harry Potter novels is fiction;
> * Everything you read in the Harry Potter novels is the intellectual
> property of Jo Rowling;
> * I cannot conceive of American Muggle political leaders going to
> Hogwarts;
> * The Sorting Hat does its work on the heads of eleven-year-old kids, not
> men in their late thirties to early seventies.
>
> Consequently, if you find yourself getting irate over this, please seek
> competent psychiatric assistance.
>
> Like most people who've read the books have seen, simply being in a given
> house means very little; the reason one is in that house means much. Both
> George Washington and Andrew Johnson, for instance, are Hufflepuffs.
> George Washington is a Hufflepuff because of his self-discipline,
> humility, and willingness to do much for the sake of a greater good. He's
> a "positive Hufflepuff." Andrew Johnson, and every successor I sorted into
> that house, are "negative Hufflepuffs," in there because the traits that
> make for sorting into other houses are even more lacking than the
> characteristics of Hufflepuff.
>
> Most people who do this sort of thing simply put the presidents they like
> into the Good House (usually Gryffindor) and the presidents they don't
> like into the Bad House (Slytherin). I tried to rise above that.
>
> Ultimately, sorting the presidents is not a cut-and-dried affair for most,
> and qualities of all four houses are necessary to even become president:
>
> * Gryffindor: As the Bob Dole campaign made abundantly clear, a successful
> run for president requires personal charisma, and while many who actually
> did hold the office were lacking in the personality department, when this
> was the case it was the result of something that happened during the term
> of a predecessor.
>
> * Hufflepuff: If you are not a workaholic, do not even dream of becoming
> president of our republic, for the job is not suited toward any other kind
> of person.
>
> * Ravenclaw: Rocket scientists do not make good presidents, and while many
> presidents have styled themselves as the smartest people ever to set foot
> in Washington D.C., it has long been known that only a leader who is
> trying to micromanage needs significantly more than the average dose of
> brains. A casual glance at the history of our republic is enough to
> observe that the most pervasive failures of our presidents have been
> mostly failures of courage and commitment to American values, and not
> failures of brainpower. It is sufficient for a president that he grasp the
> principles of the issue at hand.
>
> * Slytherin: Except for Washington?who was practically drafted into the
> role?every president has had to face a winner-take-all contest for the
> job, and therefore a dose of self-interest has been at work in all the
> presidents to succeed him.
>
> On to the sorting!
>
> George Washington
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> The father of our country was perhaps the most modest person ever to hold
> the rank of general. His overwhelming lack of political ambition precludes
> him from placement in Slytherin. History credits him with no greater an
> intellect than is necessitated by the roles of general and gentleman
> farmer. While he was a man of courage and honor, he was also quite cool in
> his passions. The picture that history gives us is a man of great talent
> and humility, who sought at every turn to do what he believed to be the
> best for his country.
>
> Thomas Jefferson
> The Sorting Hat says: "Ravenclaw!"
>
> While redheads tend to wind up in Gryffindor, and Jefferson's willingness
> to be the master of slaves nudges him towards Slytherin, his lifelong
> devotion to intellectual pursuits bears the firm stamp of Ravenclaw.
>
> Andrew Jackson
> The Sorting Hat says: "Gryffindor!"
>
> Andrew Jackson, being a man of Scots-Irish passion, is the president most
> likely to get into a fist-fight as an adult. While his indifference to the
> suffering of the Cherokee leans him towards Slytherin, in all other
> repsects Jackson belongs in the Good Old Red and Gold.
>
> Abraham Lincoln
> The Sorting Hat says: "Gryffindor!"
>
> "Difficult, very difficult." As with Harry Potter, Lincoln was a man of
> immense talent, ambition, discipline, and personality. Lincoln was *this*
> close to being sorted into Slytherin, because he had an amazing talent for
> getting what he was after, and tended not to scruple about how he got it.
> But in my book, the other three houses give way to Gryffindor. Lincoln was
> a leader.
>
> Andrew Johnson
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> The governor of Johnson's home state wrote in a letter to a friend in
> Washington, "give my regards to that dead dog in the White House." Johnson
> was the first president to spend the entirety of his term in lame-duck
> status. Any of the gifts that would have made him a more effective
> president would have put him into one of the other houses.
>
> Ulysees S. Grant
> The Sorting Hat says: "Gryffindor!"
>
> Really, does an alcoholic war hero belong anywhere but in Hagrid's house?
>
> Theodore Roosevelt
> The Sorting Hat says: "Gryffindor!"
>
> The first Roosevelt had a dose of personal courage and a dynamic
> personality. His political savvy was lacking, and he just doesn't cut the
> figure of an intellectual or a diligent laborer.
>
> Woodrow Wilson
> The Sorting Hat says: "Ravenclaw!"
>
> Wilson is a good indicator of why people of great intellect don't make
> very good presidents. "He kept us out of war." Then he got us into war. He
> also created the agency which caused the Great Depression.
>
> Herbert Hoover
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> The bomb lit by Woodrow Wilson went off on Hoover's watch. Hoover lacked
> any of the talents that could have salvaged the situation.
>
> Franklin Delano Roosevelt
> The Sorting Hat says: "Slytherin!"
>
> Roosevelt's lingering fame is proof that people don't understand economics
> or foreign affairs, but they understand government checks with their names
> on them. A real Gryffindor wouldn't have hidden his poor physical health
> from the country, and also would have lended Hoover a hand between the
> 1932 election and the following inauguration, instead of sitting back
> until he could ride in on his white horse.
>
> Harry Truman
> The Sorting Hat says: "Gryffindor!"
>
> His personality was more dynamic than Roosevelt's, and he was far less
> manipulative.
>
> Dwight D. Eisenhower
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> Yes, he was a war hero, but there really was nothing more to him.
>
> John F. Kennedy
> The Sorting Hat says: "Slytherin!"
>
> Rather an opposite of Lincoln, JFK was *this* close to being sorted into
> Gryffidor. But much of his public persona was fabricated; like FDR, his
> physical health was a topic on which the American public was purposefuly
> and systematically misinformed.
>
> Lyndon Johnson
> The Sorting Hat says: "Slytherin!"
>
> Lyndon Johnson's policies were mostly designed to further the political
> career of Lyndon Johnson.
>
> Richard Nixon
> The Sorting Hat says: "Slytherin!"
>
> He was a more competent president than Johnson, but he was just as
> crooked.
>
> Gerald Ford
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> Like Hoover, Ford was the hapless heir of a situation he did nothing to
> create, and like Hoover he had neither the intellect, the ambition, nor
> the charisma to stay in the Oval Office. Of course, he falls down about as
> much as Neville, so maybe placement in Gryffindor wouldn't miss the mark.
>
> Jimmy Carter
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> Too clueless to be in Ravenclaw, too lacking in courage for Gryffindor,
> and too naive to be in Slytherin.
>
> Ronald Reagan
> The Sorting Hat says: "Gryffindor!"
>
> He had the kind of charisma that appealed to common people, he had a keen
> sense of loyalty ("Thou shalt not speak evil of a fellow Republican"), and
> he stood for what he believed in.
>
> George H. W. Bush
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> Not smart enough to see that breaking his "read my lips" promise would
> make him a one-term president, not courageous enough to stand by that
> promise, and not politcally savvy enough to survive the aftermath of
> breaking the promise.
>
> Bill Clinton
> The Sorting Hat says: "Slytherin!"
>
> I will brook no quibbling: The primary factor driving every decision made
> by Bill Clinton was the furtherance of Bill Clinton's fortunes.
>
> George W. Bush
> The Sorting Hat says: "Hufflepuff!"
>
> He tries to be another Reagan, but he's only about halfway there, and in
> any event a real Gryffindor like Truman or Jackson would have nuked one or
> more Middle Eastern nations in retaliation for the September 11th attacks.
> Bush's 2000 and 2004 campaigns would have been far nastier if he really
> were a Slytherin at heart (or if ultra-Slytherin Lee Atwater were still
> managing Republican presidential campaigns), so that's out too. Although
> he is smarter than his opponents want us to think he is (and he isn't a
> pseudo-intellectual like his 2000 and 2004 opponents), he's no Ravenclaw,
> either.
>
> Regards,
> John
> (now donning his asbestos suit)
I would pretty much agree with your list but Dubya a Hufflepuff? I would
say he is a Crab or Goyle like Slytherin and Cheney is Volemort controling
his little death eater.
.
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